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[OG+REMAKE SPOILERS] A comprehensive list of every single easter egg in the Remake
As you've likely already noticed, the FFVII Remake is filled to the brim with small details, references and easter eggs, so as someone who usually hunts down details as a job, I wanted to see how many references I could spot across my multiple playthroughs, so I've been keeping track of all of this in a notepad as I've been playing. This is definitely not all the details, but it should hopefully cover most of them. I hope this can give you more appreciation for all the effort the developers poured into this game. That said, the definition of a detail/easter egg can vary a lot, so I want to establish some rules:
Spoilers for all of Part 1 in the Remake. Anything that is in spoilers below refers to spoilers for the original game beyond it. No spoilers will be unmarked
I'm not going to count story foreshadowing, whether it's stuff about the original (Rude purposefully missing Tifa, Barret reacting to Elmyra when she says she's not related by blood to her daughter, etc.) or foreshadowing for some of the new stuff with the ending and new plotlines. That's its own separate deal (only exception is when it's a visual detail)
I'll mention some stuff that references the original or some details that were preserved, but I'm not going to go into every single thing that was carried from the original. This is a remake, duh, bunch of stuff will be the same as the original
With that said, let's get started! Here are all the details I could find, classified by chapters: GENERAL:
At random, but one of Barret's post-battle quotes can be him humming the FFVII victory theme, which he also does at a couple other points in the game
Posters for LOVELESS, the famous play advertised in the original can be seen all across the game
Advertisements for Stamp, the propaganda-oriented children's show, can be seen across several areas (even before he is relevant or even mentioned)
Advertisements for "Banora White Apple Juice" can be found at some points, a reference to the dumbapples from Crisis Core
A hair tonic advertisement can also be spotted at some points, claiming to offer the perfect radiant and spiky hair, a reference to Cloud often being jokingly referred to follow the trope of "spiky-haired anime swordsmen"
Vending machines for drinks can be found across the game. Some of them feature the Bomb enemy, while others feature "Clear Icicle", a likely reference to the area from the original, Icicle Inn
Benches feature the checkpoint logo for the original, as they sort of act as replacements for the checkpoints. The logo itself represents a large C, standing for Checkpoint and is in fact not a question mark as I had been lied to believe for many years
Walking in opposite directions of where you're told to go will often result in exclusive dialogue, where characters often question Cloud's sense of direction to amusing extents. Each location tends to have at least two or three lines for going in the wrong direction, the amount of unique lines for this is staggering
Cloud's punisher mode has him positioning his sword in the same stance Sephiroth used to wield his Masamune blade during his days as a SOLDIER (seen less predominantly in the future during the events of FFVII). This might be a callback to how Cloud used to idolize Sephiroth as a SOLDIER and wanting to be more like him, subconsciously adopting his battle stance. Similarly, the normal operator mode stance is more like how Zack held his sword
The circlet is likely a reference to the circlet worn by Final Fantasy VIII's Edea (granted, the circlet has been reocurring in many Final Fantasies, but this one's quite similar to Edea's)
The fury ring features the kanji 怒, which stands for, as you might imagine, "fury"
CHAPTER 1:
Just like in the original, defeating the first two Shinra soldiers at the start will cause Cloud to level up to level 7
Barret calls Cloud "Stamp", mocking him for being a loyal doggie to Shinra. This is referencing the character of Stamp. Most players will likely not have met Stamp yet, but those that took enough time to look around their surroundings will have already spotted him in the ads at the train station
Dodging all lasers without being hit will result in unique dialogue from Jessie. Getting hit some times will result in the dialogue most players will see and getting hit multiple times will have Jessie question if Cloud has a self-damaging fetish
CHAPTER 2:
Since Cloud meets Aerith in the same area where the opening of the game takes place, it is possible to go down the same alley Aerith first stared and even spot the broken mako pipe
Going to the opposite end of that alley, you can look through a grate to see the station, where you'll be able to spot the Huntsman, the boss of the chapter you later fight, commanding his troops to catch the terrorists with a unique line
A Shinra troop seems to recognize Cloud in chapter 2 before he leaps on the train. Playing with Japanese voices will however reveal he says "Wait, that sword-", indicating he actually recognized Zack's sword from the time he was a SOLDIER
Kyrie can be met as early as chapter 2, as a passenger on the train. If Cloud approaches her, she'll try to distance herself, perhaps to avoid suspicion given Cloud's appearance as a warrior
CHAPTER 3:
At the start of the chapter Kyrie can be seen again getting off the train. She is later seen spreading rumors among her fellow grounders near Seventh Heaven. The cool thing here is that while Kyrie is technically a character from an FFVII novel, she is actually taking the place of an NPC in Sector 7 in the original who loved to spread rumours, making that NPC a somewhat relevant character now!
Most NPCs from the original are still there, Kyrie as rumor girl, the two recruit guards, the special spot guy, the embracing couple at the station, the station manager, etc. Same applies for a lot of NPCs across the game, like the guy sleeping on the train among many others
You can also spot the Shinra Middle Manager reuniting with his family after you get off the train with some unique dialogue
While the jukebox is a newly added gameplay mechanic in the Remake, an uninteractable jukebox was actually present in the original game in Seventh Heaven, this time being repurposed into the jukebox mechanic
Also, standing next to most jukeboxes in the game will result in the characters dancing/nodding their heads/tapping their feet
The darts rankings will feature a lot of the other Avalanche members mentioned later by Barret in his date scene in Chapter 14, as well as characters like Johnny
Activating the pinball machine elevator will result in the screen showing a 777,777 score (it also features seven Bomb enemies), being a reference to both the number 7 being considered a lucky number in gambling/slot machines as well as the game's title
When entering Tifa's room, you can spot some boots and a purse next to her bed. The boots are actually the same she wore during the Nibelheim incident with her cowboy outfit. It seems this theme might've been extended to the rest of Nibelheim, which in the brief flashback we get at the start seems to show they are reimagining it more as a Wild West-style town, a beautiful new take on this iconic location
If all sidequests are completed, Tifa will ask Cloud what outfit she should wear, being given three options. The first is mature, being the dress from the original game. The third option is "exotic", which has her wearing a traditional Japanese-inspired dress. The second option however may confuse some, as while it's labeled as "sporty", it has her wearing a traditional Chinese dress. However, the original Japanese version actually refers to it as more of a fighting outfit. This means it may likely be a small nod to the iconic Street Fighter character Chun Li. Skipping these side quests and as such this event will default Tifa's outfit to mature, as a reference to it being the only choice in the original game
Jessie is mentioned having wanted to be an actress, trying to get her big break at the Gold Saucer. She might in fact be referring to the large theater found there and the play that happens during the date in the original, as in her letter she claims she was cast in the role of a princess, the same princess that your date plays as
Jessie's mom making pizza could be an allusion to the plate, the rotten pizza as they call it, dividing her and her daughter
CHAPTER 5:
Once getting off the train, in the original you could walk several screens towards the direction of the screen and reach a special area where you could grind out enemies. In the Remake, it is possible to also run in this opposite direction (away from Barret who needs help), which will result in Tifa questioning why Cloud is running in the wrong direction and what is he looking for (but not stopping him), a nod to players of the original trying to find that easter egg. However, reaching the end of that section will allow the player to actually find a hidden service room, inside of which they can find a set of crates for the chance of a drop, a small reward for curious players trying to find this easter egg
CHAPTER 6:
There's a section towards the end where you can find summon materia inside one of the vents. Redoing that chapter and redoing that section will obviously not result in summon materia being there, but instead will feature one of the manuscripts, the only one that can be found just laying around the overworld instead of being obtained via special means or just beating bosses on Hard
CHAPTER 7:
It is possible to completely ignore the ability to nerf the Airbuster by keeping all the keycards and not using them (only the first is obligatory for story reasons, but it does not nerf the Airbuster in any way), resulting in a far more challenging boss fight that makes for a great self-imposed challenge on Hard, where the Airbuster will spam his stun fingers and BBs one after the other. Managing to beat him will result in you being able to keep the keycards in your special inventory past that chapter
CHAPTER 8:
When first gaining control in the church, walking towards the door allows you to hear Reno from beyond it, in reference to the original
While fighting Reno, Aerith asks to not step on the flowers. If either Cloud or Reno steps on them during the fight, she'll get a little mad. For Reno in particular, she claims "You're gonna catch holy hell!", which is a reference to one of Reno's subordinates telling him that in the original after he steps over the flowers
The barrels thrown in the original can be found in the church attic
After leaving the church, Aerith asks "shall we mosey on?" and Cloud replies with "Let's". Not only is this a reference to the endgame of the original, where Cloud says "Let's mosey" before the final battle with Sephiroth, but this is likely hinting at this Remake establishing that Cloud picked this line up from Aerith and that is why he says it before the game's endgame sequence, to honor her legacy and get back at Sephiroth, which will make the whole ending sequence be even more impactful
More of a mistake than a reference, but the sector 5 area incorrectly uses the Sector 6 skybox (the texture on the sky), resulting in the Sector 6 plate being seen over Sector 5. This is likely because of Sectors 5 and 6 taking place in the same area, but I'm baffled they didn't include a transition for the skybox
One of the NPCs can be seen mentioning Costa del Sol as a recommended honeymoon location. He also brings up the tour of the Shinra building, referring to the very same tour Cloud and the others go through later in the game
A Don Tonberry, Fat Chocobo, a Moogle and a Cactuar can be seen drawn on the blackboard at the Leaf House
Inside the Leaf House, as well as some other locations in the game, a calendar can be seen, which features the year marked as 0007. This is in reference to FFVII taking place on the year 0007 of the calendar used within the game's world
When you go pick out flowers with Aerith, your choices will actually make a difference: picking a mix of all flowers or picking only yellow flowers will result in a Chocobo pattern. Picking only white flowers will result in a Moogle pattern and picking only foxtails will result in a Cactuar pattern
If you put Rude to sleep when fighting him, he mumbles "Reno..." as a voiceline in his sleep
When Rude receives a phone call, his phone plays the fanfare theme. This is likely a reference to one of the three dudes in Advent Children whose name I can't be bothered to recall also having said ringtone
CHAPTER 9: (whoo boy, strap in because there's a billion references here)
Not giving Aerith a high five will result in her insisting Cloud to give her one. After a while she'll complain about losing circulation in her arm
In Evergreen Park, before leaving, Cloud can head into the slide and enter inside, sliding down with his arms up like a little kid. He can also skip across the tires on the ground
While heading to Wall Market, advertisements for the singer Akila can be seen, with the singer himself being found at Drunkard's. The signs have "Midgar Blues" written in Japanese, which is the name of the disk he gives you
Akila is also found written as the donator of the flowers Cloud receives at the colosseum, stated to be the executive chairman of Cloud's fan club. Aerith's flowers instead come from florist Watanabe, the name of a shop (and supposedly a florist) found in the area. Interestingly, while Cloud is addressed as "Cloud-san", Aerith is referred to as "Aerith-sama" out of deep admiration
Easy to miss, but when talking with Johnny before the first match at the colosseum, it is possible to find a bottle on the table, which Johnny claims was offered as something that can provide extra strength. If you drink it, it raises the chances of getting the Sam quests
After defeating each opponent every round at the colosseum, you can find them defeated in the room next to the gate, each with their own unique dialogue (yes, even the robots)
When the gatekeeper asks if you're ready, you can say "no" if you need more time to prepare. The cool detail is that at first he gets angry at you for taking so long, but the more matches you win the nicer he becomes to you, telling you to take your time and not push yourself too hard
Pretty obvious so it may be redundant to mention, but after a victory in the Colosseum or Shinra simulator, each character will do their victory animation from the original game
Lots of unique dialogue at the colosseum: unique dialogue for not leaving the arena after a fight, unique dialogue for using particular summons during specific battles like the Hell House, unique dialogue for dying on the Hell House (announcers mocking you), as well as dialogue changing depending on certain attacks you pull off or fail to pull off
Entering the back alleyway hidden behind the Honey Bee Inn when first entering Wall Market will result in you encountering Miss Folia, the teacher at the Leaf House orphanage, who is revealed to have a night job as a honeygirl
One of the npcs can mention the drink "icicle vodka" from a town in the far north, which is referencing once again the Icicle Inn, a location from the original
An NPC working at one of the places at Wall Market can be seen talking with a woman, asking her not to visit him at work. It turns out this woman is his mom, who came to deliver his lunch box and the man is embarrassed his mom is still treating him like a kid
A certain NPC will tell Cloud that the place he's eating at is full, but will actually invite him if he has crossdressed, showing some questionable double standards
One of the signs at Wall Market indicates a pub/shop called "Therion" in Japanese, likely a reference to one of the main characters of Octopath Traveler. That game was also developed by Square (with some members of the staff like the composer also working on the Remake) and is often considered a bit of a sister game to Final Fantasy with many of its general mechanics and motifs
When first arriving at Don Corneo's residence, Aerith will point out "I think we might've found our man". This is lost to non-Japanese players, as the sign on top of his residence reads the kanji "古 留 根 尾", with each kanji being individually readable as "Co-r-ne-o"
At the restaurant in Wall Market, one of the customers will ask for "more of that Malboro stuff", suggesting the chef puts Malboro contents in his food. I suppose that solves the mystery as to why his food gives everyone such a massive stomach ache...
Jules, Jay and Ronnie at the gym are all based on character models from the original. However, their names are likely based from three famous bodybuilders, being Jules Bacon, Jay Cutler and Ronnie Coleman
Jules's name in Japanese is written similarly to Andrea's name. The Ultimania reveals that the two are actually siblings
When Madam M begins to dress up Aerith, she says "peek and I'll poke your eyes out", a reference to Aerith asking for no peeking in the original. It is possible to follow after and approach them, but Madam M will scold Cloud before he can even see them
Depending on how many quests you completed in Chapter 5, Aerith will get one of three different dresses, which will result in different reactions from onlookers, as well as different scenes and completely unique remixes of her theme, otherwise not heard anywhere else in the game. Attaining her red dress will result in fireworks exploding in the background, which is likely a reference to the iconic date scene at the Gold Saucer in the original where fireworks are seen in the background, even being referenced in the name of that track, so I wouldn't be surprised if this is called back if the player chooses Aerith as the date in future Remake parts
When first entering the Honey Bee Inn, you can interact with any of the four rooms before taking part in the dances: one will feature Johnny's father (also previously seen across Wall Market, and the other will feature a honeygirl getting prepared (a reference to a room in the original). The other two rooms allow you to look through their peepholes like in the original: one of them features Palmer doing some roleplaying as a bee catcher, while the other features a man getting acupuncture
During the honey bee inn dancing sequences, performing poorly will result in a series of different reactions: the honeygirls will respond awkwardly if Cloud performs badly during practice and Aerith audibly cringes if Cloud screws up the main dance
However, performing excellently will result in the honey girls praising Cloud (even saying deelicious, a pun on "bee") and Aerith praising Cloud during his dance. Similarly, performing badly will result in the crowd being pretty mild and silent, but performing well will result in the crowd going wild and cheering
Performing well will also result in gaining the disk for the "Let the Battles Begin Remake" during practice (requiring a perfect score of 10) and Andrea's earrings in the main dance (requiring a high score, beyond that a perfect score makes no difference). The earrings are purely cosmetic, as it doesn't seem possible not to be chosen by Corneo. Interestingly however, the earrings possess a bee pattern on them
During the dance scene with Andrea, some of the dance moves are references: during the final sequence Cloud has to perform two squats and the dance ends with him positioning one hand on the floor and the other to the side, mimicking his position when he gets off the train at the start. Furthermore, during the final dance Cloud spins in place, in reference to the spinning during the Gold Saucer date performance, where all actors move around by spinning
After the honey bee inn scene, it is possible to interact with a massive number of characters as crossdressing Cloud:
Returning to the honey bee inn, it is possible to spot Palmer, who begs his secretary to adjourn his meetings so he can have more fun in Wall Market. He also reveals he's a regular at Madam M's
Talking to the honey bee inn receptionist, he will praise Cloud for his fantastic dance moves
Entering inside will allow you to talk with Andrea, who tells Cloud he has already planned to deliver his gear with Leslie
Going to the room to the side will allow you to find Johnny's father asleep, but the honey girl next to him asks you not to wake him up
The room with the guy getting an acupuncture isn't changed much (though it is mildly different), but the room that previously had Palmer now features a random NPC doing nurse play with a honeygirl. She uses a massive stinger-colored syringe model that is completely unique to this easter egg. Shows you the level of detail that they went out of their way to make a model for such an obscure easter egg
If "the party never stops" is completed, you can also talk to the boutique man's father inside the inn
Heading back to the massage parlor, if you have done the Madam M side quests (otherwise this is not available), you'll be able to talk to her and Chocobo Sam, with Madam M revealing that she made Cloud's outfit in advance as she was making Aerith's dress too under request by Andrea (which might be where Aerith learned of the plan too), claiming it a favor towards Cloud, who she now sees as a friend. Sam will remark on not understanding the appeal of crossdressing, but Madam M knocks him for being so close-minded
On the other hand, if you did Sam's sidequests, heading to the Chocobo ranch you'll be able to talk to him, where he'll reveal he was the one who donated the outfit to Andrea
Talking to Jules will result in him saying he came running to see your dancing and offers you to swing by the gym again after you're back in more normal clothes. This conversation will not trigger if you did not do Burning Thighs, for the sake of consistency
Talking to Chadley will result in him not recognizing Cloud, but experiencing an "emotional response" at his beauty
If you did The Price of Thievery, heading to the entrance of Wall Market will allow you to talk with Mireille
The gatekeeper at the colosseum seems to recognize you, but requests that if you want to fight that you do so in your normal outfit, despite how amusing it would otherwise be
The weapons shop guy also has some amusing dialogue ("your beauty is deadlier than any weapon in this shop")
Easy to miss, but it is possible to talk to Johnny again
Many NPCs in general will comment about Cloud's beauty. One amusing conversation in particular revolves around a man in front of the boutique who is always gawking at other girls, with his girlfriend getting increasingly angrier over the several conversations you can trigger until she straight up gets fed of him for being a scumbag
After being thrown into the sex dungeon, before heading upstairs, it is possible to approach Aerith or Tifa, who will pose for Cloud and ask how their outfits look as they pose. Aerith will even claim that Cloud is definitely into crossdressing
When gaining control of Aerith in Corneo's mansion, it is possible to return to the room she first went in with Cloud and open an entrance to the sex dungeon, where she'll find an otherwise inaccessible chest. To enter she must step on a plate with the kanji for up and down, which will play a unique stepping animation otherwise never seen anywhere else in the game
CHAPTER 11:
The train graveyard features a chest out of sight that contains one gil inside. The ghosts will mock Cloud for falling for their prank
CHAPTER 13:
In Chapter 13, Andrea can be talked to in Wall Market, triggering this dialogue: "Did you find what you were looking for?"; "Thanks to you I did"; "Good. Now never let it go again". This could on one hand be interpreted as Cloud having found Tifa in the mansion, as Andrea's help allowed him to infiltrate it, with the "never let it go again" referring to , or could also be interpreted as Cloud finding himself/his own identity more thanks to him. The quote is somewhat reminiscent of "What you pursue will be yours, but you will lose something dear" by Cait Sith in the original, which is later shown to refer to Aerith. Andrea essentially says the opposite, saying "you found what you pursued, now don't ever lose it", so I wonder if there is a bit of a dual meaning with this scene
Common knowledge, but depending on your actions in the game, you can attain a special scene in Elmyra's garden with either Aerith, Tifa or even Barret, as a newly re-imagined version of the date mechanics from the original, which allow the player to make the story feel more personal by deciding who Cloud harbors romantic feelings for (with the developers having often stated that there is no "canon" romance option, as that is determined by each and every player's experience)
If the player has not previously interacted with Mireille in previous chapter sidequests, she'll introduce herself for the first time to Cloud, Barret and Tifa in Chapter 14 for the sake of consistency, same with some other npcs
Raiding all the vaults will grant access to the Ruby, Emerald and Diamond tiaras. As many have likely noticed, these are in the shape of the three iconic weapon creatures from the original
CHAPTER 15:
The boss of the chapter, the Valkyrie, was originally fought on the elevator sequence (similarly, the Swordipede in Chapter 17 is based on a common enemy, while the Hell House and Eligor from the Train Graveyard were also originally common enemies)
At the start of Chapter 16, when heading through the walkway with the massive lights, looking straight into the lights will result in the characters covering their eyes
After entering Shinra headquarters and switching to Tifa, instead of jumping to the platforms, head back and go down back to the garage with her. This will play a unique remix of the original track otherwise not heard anywhere else (aside fro a couple instances in the building where you also go back, such as heading back down the stairs). Insane to think they made a whole track only for going back, give it a listen!
The stairs sequence is completely scripted, as the characters will always rubberband off Cloud and not proceed more than a set number of floors ahead and the speed of Cloud is determined by the floors he's on. Tifa will always end up first and it's only possible to barely beat Barret. However, after the sequence is over, it is possible to go back all the way down (this time not slowing down the player at all) and take the elevator instead (though that will not play that sequence of cutscenes). Going down at random instances also triggers unique dialogue
The memorial museum hides a few details:
In a picture featuring some of the early employees at Shinra, when it was still a small arms manufacturer, a man can be spotted at the center wearing the mask of Shinra, a character from Final Fantasy X-2. This is a reference to the fact that FFX and FFX-2 are actually considered prequels of FFVII by both Kitase and Nojima, the latter having suggested that this President Shinra is actually the far descendant of Shinra from FFX-2 many years into the future, when the people of Spira became able to travel in space and left their planet to travel to another one, the planet of Gaia, slowly setting the stage for the events in FFVII
President Shinra's golden gun can be seen at the exhibition. The same gun model is used by him later in the scene where he threatens Barret
An image of mayor Domino shaking hands with President Shinra can be seen, likely the moment when power was handed over to the company. The trophy next to it reads "in special recognition to the Shinra Electric Power Company", with a signature by Domino below it
Domino and Hart (Hut in the Japanese version), just like in the original, are references to Domino's Pizza and Pizza Hut, referencing the rotten pizza slices that are the Midgar plates
In the stunning virtual sequence showcasing the story of the ancients, we get a glimpse at a recreation of a place they lived at. This architecture strongly resembles that of the capital of the Ancients visited later in the original
In the recreation room, Cloud encounters a former Shinra guard who recognizes him from the old days. He mentions he'll go grab Kunsel, who is a SOLDIER character from Crisis Core that was a friend of Zack
Taking the wrong path in the ventilation shaft will allow you to find a hidden materia, otherwise not seen as it is out of sight
Red XIII can be spotted in the boss fight arena before you leave the area, which will highlight him in a cutscene once you leave
Speaking of the drawing, it shows a beautiful rendition of (MASSIVE SPOILERS FOR THE ORIGINAL ENDING) the Promised Land, with the flow of life showing the cetra, the humans, several animals and even some summons. At the center of it all lies a yellow flower, which the game states at a couple points being a symbol of "reunion". With the flowers obviously symbolizing Aerith herself as well, this reunion symbolism alludes to the ending of FFVII and the true nature of the Promised Land. Similarly, the flower appears to be warding off the meteor with the power of the lifestream, once again a reference to the final scene. This whole drawing depicts the game's ending with beautiful subtlety
A structure that resembles Cosmo Canyon observatory can also be seen in the drawing, so I wonder if Ifalna had somehow been there at some point?
Just like in the original, the 70 floors of the Shinra building are a reference to the number 7, cheekily used across the game in several instances (like sector 7 being where the main characters reside)
The communication machines used in Chapter 17 have PHS written on them, a reference to the PHS communication devices in the original game, used to swap playable characters
During his battle, Rufus tosses some coins up in the air. A close up of them in a shot reveals the writing "Shinra Inc. - A new era - Reign Supreme - Ever forward", symbolizing the new era started by Rufus
When Barret, Aerith and Red are surrounded, Barret says he's willing to sacrifice his life to let her escape. This is a nod to an early scrapped concept of the original FFVII where Barret was considered to sacrifice himself and die a heroic death, which was ultimately scrapped for a far more meaningful one. This is also referenced in the stairs sequence, when Barret begs to be given a last stand rather than having to deal with stairs
Both the motorbike and the truck Cloud and Tifa steal can be seen in Chapter 16 as you explore the Shinra HQ lobby
And that's most of them! Again, chapter 18 has a bunch of symbolism and foreshadowing too, but that's its own beast which I won't tackle here. Any other details I might have missed? Share them below so we can have a truly complete easter egg thread!
Despite Belgium, and particularly Flanders, being a cycling-crazed nation, Brussels isn’t really a big cyclist’s city in itself. The terrain of Brussels isn’t very well suited for recreational bike riding and there is a tragic lack of bike infrastructure. But this year, the Tour starts in Brussels and as a local I wanted to do a good write-up on how you can make the most out of a visit to the Grand Depart, what to do when not watching the race and basically give you some suggestions on what to do to make the best out of a visit to Brussels during the Grand Depart of the Tour de France. I’ve spent most of my adult life in Brussels, either studying, drinking, living, working or having fun in general. I’m very proud of the city as it has a lot of great qualities, but I’m also very much aware that it’s got it’s challenges and downsides, like most capital cities. I’ll be responding to questions in the thread too. The Brussels bid for the Grand Depart was held to celebrate the 50th anniversary of Eddy Merckx’ first Tour de France victory. Eddy Merckx is widely regarded as one of the best cyclists ever worldwide, and is considered Belgium’s most accomplished athlete. Despite being alive and kicking, he’s even got a metrostation named after him in Brussels. Coinciding with the 50th anniversary of Merckx’ first Tour victory, the 100th anniversary of the maillot jaune is also celebrated. It was first awarded to the leader of the general classification in 1919. The current record holder of most won Maillot Jaunes also happens to be....Eddy Merckx.
Saturday 6th of July kicks off the Tour de France with a city centre départ at Place Royale, which is within walking distance from the city center and Brussels-Central train station. Stage 1 loops around the west of Brussels over the Muur van Geraardsbergen and Bosberg (known from the old Ronde van Vlaanderen final), with the only mountainsprint points to be won on the Muur. It then follows the soft rolling hills of the Pajottenland region towards the industrial zone of Charleroi, including a passage next to the Sloping Shiplock of Ronquières.The route circles counterclockwise towards Brussels, going past Waterloo and Overijse (where the Brabantse Pijl is contested) to re-enter Brussels from the eastern side. The finish is at the Royal Palace in Laeken, which will likely be contested as an uphill sprint that might be more suited to Sagan or Matthews than Viviani. My advice for stage 1: Go catch the start at the Place Royale around 10am. After the riders have left, you can explore the neighbourhood. The ‘BOZAR’ museum or one of the galleries of the Royal Museums of Fine Arts (especially the Magritte Expo) are a fine place to spend a few hours and are located within 5 minutes walking of Place Royale. Another option is the Comic Book museum, which is a bit more of a walk away but not more than 15 minutes on foot. If you want to view the rest of the race, you should go looking for a pub which broadcasts the stage. One of my favourites is Les Brasseurs, which is in the heart of the city center, which has an awesome range of correctly-priced beers and a lovely serving staff, and some TVs which will probably show the race as it’s unfolding. Between Place Royale and the city center are also some other tourist hotspots like the Grand Place, Manneken Pis (PEEBOY) and the Mont Des Arts which merit a visit. If you’re less concerned about viewing the race live or if you want to find a good spot near the finish line, you can use public transport to go to Laeken and visit the Atomium to mention you’ve stepped on 9 balls. A small getaway from the busy TDF circus could be to spend the afternoon in the Botanical Gardens of Meise, which is not far from the finish and which is a wonderfully relaxing place. A short warning: the finish line is a bit outside of what I’d consider ‘regular life’ in Brussels. There aren’t any cafés, restaurants or anything nearby (mainly because it’s on the Royal Domain where the Belgian Royal Family lives) so I think any food and drinks will only be easily found at overpriced local stands.
The second stage of the TDF is a Team Time Trial held entirely in the Brussels Capital Region. The depart is planned on the cobbled street at the Royal Palace (not to be confused with the Place Royale, which is where Stage 1 starts and which is 150m around the corner, the other Royal Palace, which is in Laeken and where Stage 1 ends) and then takes off towards the western Rue de la Loi, including a passage through the underground tunnels usually blocked by commuting cars. It then makes a clockwise loop around the towns of Woluwe, Ouderghem, Watermael-Boisfoort and will take a cut through the green lung of Brussels, the Bois de la Chambre. It then cuts back into the large boulevards of Ixelles and crosses under the first part of the parcours at Montgomery before heading easterly towards the same Royal Domain where the finish of stage 1 is. The last 4km features a mild incline, just harsh enough to wreck a good flow for any team that has spent too much in the straights towards the finish. It also features the weird and out of place Japanese Tower for some surreal sights. This parcours shows off the topography of Brussels: far from flat, and the weaving in and out of tunnels will give a bit of that Champs Elysees feel. The finish might be a brutal challenge for some of the heavier riders, and teams will have to conserve and dose their energy to make sure they don’t drop a rider too much in the last few kms. Also: lots of tram rails will be crossed, so I’m expecting at least 1 rider to catch their wheel in one and crash out of the TTT. My advice for stage 2: Make a pick between the depart at Palace Royale (Caravan leaves at 13h, first team at 14h30, last team at 16h30) or the finish at the Atomium (same times, but half an hour later). An alternative option might be to go to Montgomery (which has a metro station and is easily accessible) and where you might catch the teams passing twice. If you're in the neighbourhood of Montgomery, you can visit the Cinquantenaire parc & monuments, including the Art and History Museum. If you want to see suffering, I’d suggest hanging out at the Avenue Van Praet, where I’m sure the heavier riders will be dropped and where speeds will be lower, so taking pictures will be easy. Only problem: It’s slightly less reachable by public transport because the nearby tram follows the parcours. Otherwise my advice for stage 1 is an easy repeat for a good day out. Since both the start and finish are basically in the same place, you can catch up on suggestions you missed on day 1.
Cycling-related events during the Grand Depart
At the Place de la Brouckère, there will be a fan village in the days leading up to the TDF and during the first days. Very few additional details are available as far as I can see. It sounds not very worth it, but I’ll probably go and have a look once it’s actually installed. The team presentation will be held on Thursday 4th of July between 16h and 20h, with the teams starting at the Place Royal and them arriving on a podium on the Grand Place. I think sticking around on the Grand Place for this might be a worthwhile bit if you’re in town for the Tour. More information: https://www.brusselsgranddepart.com/letouen/event/the-week-of-the-grand-depart/
How to get around town
Brussels is a relatively compact city. It’s got a great network of public transport called STIB-MIVB, which combines metros, trams and busses in the region of Brussels Capital. Depending on how long you plan to stay, I’d suggest going to one of the MIVB booths and buying a 48h (€19) or 72h (€23) pass. These give unlimited rides on the network, including to and from Brussels Airport by bus. STIB-MIVB is very punctual and reliable for getting around, even during busy times, and most locations are within walking distance of metro stations. Only between midnight and 5AM, public transport is limited to about 10 buslines spawling out from the city center. These are the Noctis lines which drive on friday- and saturday night. FIFIBLACK pointed out that MIVB-STIB network will be free on saturday and sunday 7/8th of July. So you might just need a ticket if you plan on staying longer! You’ll probably arrive into Brussels by airplane at Brussels Airport (Zaventem) or at Brussels-South (Charleroi, usually Ryanair). It’s a short trainride from both those airports to Brussels. From Zaventem there’s also a busline to Brussels. Other options to reach Brussels are by international trains, which usually arrive at Brussels-Midi train station which connects to the city center by tram and metro. Lastly, you can also opt to take a long distance bus. Both Flixbus and Eurolines offer regular connections to the Brussels North trainstation, which has a tram connection to the city center. Bike fans will most likely be disappointed to hear Brussels isn’t very bike-accessible. Due to poor bike infrastructure and the topography of the city, very few people actually ride their bikes in Brussels. There is a major bikeshare called Villo (for which a €150 deposit is asked) with fixed stations, and there are some smaller bikeshare initiatives of which I don’t know all the details. If you plan to bring your own bike, I would invest in about 12 locks and a hired toughman to guard it at all times. Bike theft is a bit of a problem, especially when it comes to expensive bikes like mountainbikes or road bikes. My tip: don’t bother unless you’re fitting it with a longer bike vacation. Both regular taxis (indicated with a taxi sign on the roof) and Uber are available in the city center and most major locations of Brussels, but are very rare outside major cities. Taking them to get to your hotel or hostel late at night is a good plan and will set you back 15 to 20 euros. If you’re planning to make an excursion outside of Brussels, you will most likely buy a train ticket. These can be bought at any train station and differ in price range depending on your destination. If you’re making the trip by car, I’d look into renting a guarded long-term parking spot for your stay. Traffic in Brussels is pretty terrible, and the closed roads during the race will not improve circulation. The city center is also relatively car-free, and the bits that aren’t are very congested. Hedone added: "On Saturday there's also a free shuttle by train between Brussels North and Bockstael, to get to the finish in Laken, they run every 20 minutes between 14h and 20h. The ride takes about five minutes, and it's a small walk from Bockstael station." TL,DR: Use the STIB-MIVB network, it gives the most bang for your buck.
Where to stay
Brussels takes in its fair share of tourists all year-round, ranging from backpackers to family vacations to the most wealthy eurocrats and businessmen. The offer of hotels and hostels follows this trend: you have very cheap, bare-bones hostels and you can probably spend the Team Ineos yearly budget on a weekend in the best suites. AirBnB is not super popular in Brussels for two reasons: the company doesn’t want to comply too much with local legislation, and it’s causing a surge in rent prices in the city center. I would recommend sticking to actual hostels or hotels, but that’s my principles. Hostel & Hotel comparison services might be your best bet to find what kind of space you are looking for compared to your budget.. For work-related lodging I’ve hosted people in both locations of the LADJ hostel chain in Brussels, which is cheap and qualitative, being close to the city center.
Where to hang out to drink.
I’ve grown up as a young adult frequenting bars, pubs, cafés, dive bars, squats, and all the other places you can have a drink at in Brussels. In general, I’d follow 3 rules for any bar in Brussels: 1) If a draft pils (Jupiler, Stella or Maes) from the tap is more than €2,20 for 25cl , the place is overpriced and should be avoided. 2) If there’s a brightly lit gambling machine in the bar, the place is probably a bit dodgy and should be avoided. 3) If you enter somewhere and the people there stare at you with death glares, order a Coca Cola and leave again after paying. The city center has a rich collection of bars and pubs, some of them typically ‘brown’ bars with a lot of history, others more focused on the recognizable factor that all Irish Pubs have in all cities all over the world. Finding a good one is down to looking out for the warnings I pointed out but I’d say 80% of bars in the city center are just fine places to have a beer, coffee, wine or soft drinks. To name some of my favourites bars to sit down and have a drink, both inside and outside ,all in the city center: Les Brasseurs, Affligem, Merlo, Le Coq, Archipel, Via Via, Moeder Lambik,... Most of these stay open quite late during the weekend, usually until 5 to 6am so you can catch public transport to get back to a hotel or hostel. A famous one is the Delirium bar, which has the largest beer menu in the world, but it’s a bit of a tourist trap. If you want to visit it, go for the experience, not for the quality. The_411 added a worthy addition in terms of a classic 'beer hall' which is a bit hidden away in an alleyway: A la Becasse which is a medieval-style beer hall. Just across the street is L'Imaige Nostre Dame hidden in a similar alleyway. You won't have a TV to watch the Tour, but they're worth a visit and a Lambic-style beer! If you want to go partying or have a bit of a wilder night out on friday or saturday, I can recommend the O’Reillys Nua (which also hosts karaoke), the Archiduc (which is a great fancy jazz bar), the Fuse (worldrenowned Techno/EDM/IDM club) and any concert in the Ancienne Belgique concert hall. For people looking for LGTBQ+ places, the city center has a small neighbourhood around the Marché des Charbons which is very welcoming to everyone. These are all within walking distance of the city center. There’s probably also a ton of parties going on in the city during the weekend. Too many to list and I won’t even begin filtering out the good and the bad. There’s always something going on!
What to eat & drink
Food and drinks are our pride. If you don’t eat and drink your heart out in Brussels, you’re doing something wrong. One thing you should try is good Belgian fries. Not the McDonalds bullshit ones, oversalted and too thin, but good ones from a Fritkot, our local street food equivalent. In the city center I recommend Fritland or Friterie Tabora in the city center. There’s probably gonna be a bunch of pop-up frietkoten around the Grand Depart locations too, and those tend to be professionals and thus quite good. You want to order your fries with a sauce. Mayonaise is a classic, but give those fries a shot with Tartare, Belgian Pickles or Andalouse as well! Often you accompany your order with a vlezeke or petite viande which is some processed yet delicious leftover meat shaped in simple geometric shapes. A frikandel, boulette or hamburger can really hit the spot! Special shoutout to the Mitraillette, which is a baguette filled with some sauce, a hamburger patty and as many fries as can fit. It’s decadent and delicious. If you’re going for a Belgian restaurant experience, try the Mussels (yes, we stole that from the Dutch), the Stoofvlees/Carbonades (a beerbased gravy-beefstew), the Vol-au-vent (a chicken stew), Tomates-crevettes (mayo, small prawns and tomato), Stoemp-saucisse (a potato-vegetable mash with sausage), or any recommendations they offer. The city center has a whole lot of different places to eat, in a wide variety of cuisines. Because of our high demands in terms of quality, I would only recommend avoiding restaurants around the Grand Place or the Rue des Bouchers (which are overpriced because of the tourist factor) or multinational fast food places like McDonalds or Subways. My personal favourites? Italian restaurant Mirante, Asian restaurant Yaki, Tapas Locas, Belgian/burger-style restaurant Houtsiplou,... eh, I could keep going. A good meal should be between €10 and €20 for a main course, anything over that is overpriced. In terms of beers, I’d say: give them all a shot. Between the trappist beers (like Chimay, Orval, Westmalle,...), the Abbey beers (Leffe, Maredsou, Affligem, Grimbergen,...), Pils (Maes, Stella, Jupiler), White beers (Hoegaarden, Blanche de Bruges,...) and IPA-style beers (Delta IPA is a local Brussels one), most bars have a longer list than you can finish in one day without dying. My personal recommendation is to have at least one Geuze-style beer (Boon is my favourite), which is typical for the Brussels region and based on wild yeast fermentation, and to try some different styles between the dubbel (brown beers), tripel (blonde beers) and other sorts. Look at what the bar’s got on tap, that’s usually gonna be what you want to order. (Geuze only come in bottles because it’s fermented on the bottle, so that’s the exception). If you stick to the rules above when it comes to bars, a night’s worth of beers should be about 25-30 euros and you’ll be quite drunk at the end of it. If you’re interested in buying Belgian products like beer, chocolate or sweets, just go to a supermarket like Delhaize, Carrefour or Colruyt and buy them off the shelves like anyone else. You’ll save a lot of money compared to the tourist shops and you’ll probably get stuff that hasn’t been sitting in a stuffy souvenir shop for weeks. Check with your airline how much you can legally export of everything.
How to behave and how to stay safe.
Brussels is a year-round tourist destination and you can in general expect to be hosted as a tourist in any other European town. Tourist hotspots deal with the same issues as all over the world: Pickpockets, scam artists and overpriced foods & drinks. Stay sensible like in any other situation: don’t flash valuables, keep an eye on your belongings and try to avoid interaction with people who might not have your best intentions at heart. The city center of Brussels, referred to as the Pentagone/Vijfhoek for its shape in between the main avenues built on the old city walls, has a mix of tourist spots, shopping areas like the Rue Neuve, rich neighbourhoods and impoverished neighbourhoods which can quite suddenly flow into eachother. You can walk or use public transport to discover the city at your own pace really. Police is quite visible in the city center and usually backed up by their colleagues dressed as civilians, in particular during large events. There is still some presence of the military, especially in the train stations, to patrol and assist the police. It can be a bit of a shock to round a corner and to walk into a fully armed soldier. They’re there as a show of safety, and we’re frankly bored of them. In most places in the city center, you will be served in French initially. English is usually spoken by any staff in hotels, bars and restaurants but it’s not guaranteed to be effortless or accentless. A lot of people you meet will be able to talk in English with you, and locals tend to be quite helpful as long as you are polite. Besides English and French, a lot of locals speak Dutch as their second or third language and a smaller portion has it as their native tongue, like me. People might also be able to help you in Spanish, Arab, Portuguese, German, Italian, Turkish or Greek if you’re lucky, due to the multicultural nature of the city. They also might be able to understand you if you chat in those languages, don’t assume noone understands you :) Belgium and Brussels are a rather cash-based economy, especially when it comes to bars and restaurants. Over the last years more businesses have transitioned towards accepting credit and debit cards, but often you’re paying by cash. Most metro- and trainstations will have ATM machines for cash withdrawal, as well as some banks in the city center. I’d suggest always having some cash on hand. Tipping in bars is not expected but welcomed as appreciation for good service, but not more than 5 euros over a night. In restaurants, it’s common courtesy to leave a bit of change for the waiting staff, but again, nothing more than 10 euros. An oddity is that Belgian bars and restaurants are not required to serve tap water. Going out for a meal means also buying drinks, even if that means buying bottled water. Usually, people drink a beer, soft drink or wine during their meals because of this. During a night out, you can always ask a bartender for a glass of tap water and you’ll get one if you’ve been drinking there all night without much questions. Public toilets are a rare sight in Brussels. With the notable exception of the St. Catherine Church, which has a legal, functional urinal on it’s side wall, there are very little public toilets and I expect this to be a problem during an event like the Grand Depart. I’m expecting long queues especially where there’s already less facilities...like at the Place Royale or around the Atomium. The best thing to do is to go to a bar and have a drink and to use the toilet there. This is common practice for a lot of people. It’s perfectly fine to be publicly intoxicated in Brussels, as long as you don’t cause a disturbance. There’s no issue with buying a beer in a nightshop and drinking it out in the streets, as long as you don’t bother anyone with it. There’s plenty of parks dotted around Brussels where people hang out in the weekends and evenings when it’s sunny, with a couple of cans of beer and a bag of crisps. Throw your empty stuff in the trashcans and leave the spot like you found them! There’s no recycling fee on cans, only on bottles (but not very much, so meh, into the trashcan it goes). After the March 22nd 2016 bombings, Brussels has picked up somewhat of a reputation about being a “terrorist hellhole” (thanks Trump). Truth is: these isolated lunatics don’t represent a micropercentage of the population of Brussels. However, that doesn’t mean Brussels doesn’t have bad neighbourhoods where you don’t want to hang out at night without some locals, but the risk is more about being mugged than about being forcefully converted to salafism. A small sidenote is that there’s a vocal part of the population that isn’t quite on board with the “Disneyfication” of Brussels and it’s inner city. I am inclined to agree because the focus on expensive events like the Grand Depart takes away means and time from resolving other issues such as poverty, education or mobility. There might be some protests or small actions aimed at the Tour de France circus, but so far I haven’t noticed anything that’s remarkable enough to cause a disturbance.
Things to visit while in Brussels
I mentioned some things to visit already in the earlier part of this post, because for me it makes sense to weave it into the Grand Depart experience. Brussels has a lot of great (and sometimes weird) museums, has some lovely views and boasts some impressive restaurants, bars and other evening spots. There’s probably some good resources online about ‘must-visits’ but I’ve based my post on my own experiences and what I think is worthwhile in Brussels. Should you stay longer than a few days? Not really. You can visit the European Parliament maybe, and have a day excursion to Bruges, Ghent, Antwerp or Liege to add on, but I think that should be enough time to see the most important bits of the city. Hope to catch you all in Brussels for the Grand Depart, I’ll definitely be in town and maybe I’m up for meeting some people.
What are your rookie year predictions for the R1 picks? Here are mine
Now that the dust has settled on the NFL Draft, I wanted to look ahead and try to predict the production of the R1 picks. Obviously, this is way too early and shouldn't treated as gospel or even serious business. I don't claim to have a crystal ball. The one I bought from that old gypsey lady turned out to be plastic. In hindsight, really wish I didn't give her my first-born son... Anyway, here we go. (1) Cleveland: QB Baker Mayfield, Oklahoma Hue Jackson and the Browns may talk a good game about waiting on Baker Mayfield, but that's not going to be easy. There's going to be a lot of hype and excitement to see him in action, and he theoretically should be able to deliver on that promise as a 23-year-old rookie with 3.5+ seasons of starting experience already. The Browns aren't also tied to Tyrod Taylor in any real way; they can afford to open this competition up and let the best man win. Given that, there's a chance that Mayfield grabs the reins of the job and starts from Week 1, but to be conservative I'll guess it happens a little later on. I'd expect Mayfield to have some success (in terms of stats) when he does get action, although not a clean 1:1 translation of his great college career. The fear, from a Browns' fans perspective, is not when Mayfield lands the job but whether or not Hue Jackson will waver and toggle him in and out of the lineup. His confidence is a calling card, and you don't want to mess with that. Year 1: 11 starts, 2148 passing yards, 13 TDs, 12 int Year 2: 14 starts, 3382 passing yards, 23 TDs, 15 ints Year 3: 15 starts, 3888 passing yards, 25 TDs, 14 ints A note: a lot of these projected starts don't add up to 16, but that's only because it's hard to count on an injury-free season in the NFL. Also, don't let the very specific figures fool you into thinking there's any real "science" here. These are just estimates based on similar players, situations, etc. (2) N.Y. Giants: RB Saquon Barkley, Penn State I'd stand by the assertion that Saquon Barkley is the best RB prospect of the entire 2000s (yes, even better than Adrian Peterson, given his receiving/durability edge at the time of the draft.) That said, that doesn't automatically mean he'll be as good as Peterson or any other top rookie in the class out of the gate. One challenge that Barkley will have to face is that teams expect him to be awesome. Alvin Kamara was able to sneak up on people last year; Barkley won't have that luxury. He'll be a major part of the opponents' game plan. Having Odell Beckham Jr. drawing attention away should help to some degree, but it will still be difficult for Barkley live up to the hype right away. But by Year 2-3, he should be one of the best in the NFL. Year 1: 1102 rushing yards (4.0 YPC), 389 receiving, 9 total TDs Year 2: 1284 rushing yards (4.4 YPC), 412 receiving, 11 total TDs (Pro Bowl) Year 3: 1306 rushing yards (4.3 YPC), 485 receiving, 13 total TDs (Pro Bowl) (3) N.Y. Jets: QB Sam Darnold, USC As promising as Sam Darnold may be, I'm getting some flashbacks here to Jeff Fisher - Jared Goff in 2016, and John Fox - Mitchell Trubisky last year. In all three circumstances, you have a defensive-minded coach whose job security is shaky, trying to figure out when to play a rookie QB who may not be ready for primetime yet. Unfortunately, the politics behind that move becomes more of a focus than it would be otherwise. I expect the team to try and hold Darnold off as long as possible with Josh McCown. On paper, that's a perfect plan. In reality? That's harder to rely on. McCown rarely stays healthy; he's never played 16 games in his career. The Jets' early season schedule's actually pretty soft (3/10 vs. playoff teams) so McCown may be able to squeak by until the bye in Week 11. After that, it's Darnold time, for better or worse. Unfortunately for Bowles and the Jets' fans, I don't think Darnold's ready yet. He's an extremely young rookie who needs to develop his mechanics and his ability to read the field. I expect him to be highly inconsistent -- 300 yards next week, 3 ints the next. And as a result of that, the Jets will fire Todd Bowles and replace him with a young offensive-minded coach just like the Rams and Bears did. Paging John DeFilippo (MIN OC) and Matt LeFleur (TEN OC) -- your table is almost ready. Year 1: 6 starts, 1398 yards, 8 TDs, 10 ints Year 2: 15 starts, 3888 yards, 24 TDs, 18 ints Year 3: 16 starts, 4184 yards, 28 TDs, 20 ints (4) Cleveland: CB Denzel Ward, Ohio State Denzel Ward may not have been the splashiest pick at # 4, but he's one of the safer bets for extended playing time this season. He'll immediately become the Browns' most talented corner, and presumably earn a starting job sooner than later. Of course, predicting cornerback stats feels a little silly because they don't completely translate to your success rate, but I'd expect Ward to be an average starting corner in year one -- which in terms of a rookie curve, is a really strong debut. Year 1: 14 starts, 31 tackles, 3 interceptions Year 2: 15 starts, 37 tackles, 2 interceptions Year 3: 15 starts, 42 tackles, 5 interceptions (Pro Bowl) (5) Denver: DE Bradley Chubb, N.C. State On a different team that runs a standard 4-3 front, we could pencil Bradley Chubb in for a starring role early on. After all, he's a senior coming off two straight seasons with 20 tackles for loss and 10 sacks, which bodes well for his readiness to contribute. That said, the "fit" isn't as clean here in Denver's front. Will they try him as an edge rushing linebacker, a 3-4 DE? Either way, he'll do his most damage in nickel packages, which is what teams run the majority of the time anyway. I expect Chubb to be a strong two way player (run+pass), although perhaps not one who racks up gaudy stats. Year 1: 10 starts, 38 tackles, 5.5 sacks Year 2: 15 starts, 48 tackles, 7.5 sacks Year 3: 15 starts, 52 tackles, 8.0 sacks (6) Indianapolis: OG Quenton Nelson, Indianapolis I don't think there's any question that Quenton Nelson is a "plug and play" starter. The only question is whether he'll be good enough to be a Pro Bowler as a rookie. For that, and for a lot of Nelson's potential accolades, the team success may be important. If a guard plays well on a 4-12 team, no one notices. If a guard plays well on a playoff team, he's a Pro Bowler. Of course, so much of that team success will depend on Andrew Luck's health. While that aspect may be in doubt, I'm confident in Nelson's abilities to be a good starter sooner than later. Along with R2 pick Braden Smith, this line took a major step up. Year 1: 16 starts Year 2: 16 starts (Pro Bowl) Year 3: 16 starters (Pro Bowl) (7) Buffalo: QB Josh Allen, Wyoming Every coach talks about "patience" with rookies, but there are legitimate reasons to believe the Bills in this case. Among them: an acknowledgement that Josh Allen may need some time to develop after coming in from a smaller conference. I'm going to guess Sean McDermott and company will also hold strong as long as possible because they remember being embarrassed by last year's Nathan Peterman debacle. They benched their veteran for a rookie who clearly wasn't ready (despite the team still being in the playoff chase.) This season, that "playoff chase" will be more important. I believe that A.J. McCarron can be a solid and legitimate starting quarterback. That said, he's not the type of QB that can carry a bad team on his back. And unfortunately, this Bills team appears to be a "bad team" that will regress after a fortunate playoff run last season. If the bottom falls out (and the team is something like 5-8), I'd expect to see Allen get a few starts late in the year. Year 1: 2 starts, 483 yards, 2 TDs, 3 ints Year 2: 14 starts, 3085 yards, 18 TDs, 16 ints Year 3: 15 starts, 3483 yards, 22 TDs, 19 ints (8) Chicago: LB Roquan Smith, Georgia I don't see Bears' DC Vic Fangio handing Roquan Smith the job outright, but he should be able to secure it sooner than later -- most likely prior to Week 1. Not only does Smith have good speed and instincts, he also has a strong work ethic and leadership traits that can show up in a practice setting as well. I expect Smith to grab the reins of a starting LB spot and become a vocal leader for this Bears' D. Whether that translates to stats may be a different matter; linebackers who aren't pass rushing specialists can at times get overlooked. But as long as he stays healthy, I would guess Smith plays like a Pro Bowl caliber player for the majority of his career. Year 1: 14 starts, 88 tackles, 1 sack, 1 int Year 2:: 15 starts, 111 tackles, 1.5 sacks, 2 ints Year 3: 15 starts, 108 tackles, 2.0 sacks, 2 ints (9) San Francisco: OT Mike McGlinchey, Notre Dame Like Roquan Smith for the Bears, Mike McGlinchey should be able to earn himself a starting job by the end of training camp. He's tall and talented, sure, but he's also a great worker and leader in his own right. I don't know if McGlinchey has the athleticism and lateral quickness to be a Pro Bowl caliber player, but I'd expect him to be a long-time starter in the NFL. Year 1: 15 starts at RT Year 2: 13 starts at RT, 3 starts at LT Year 3: 16 starts at LT, replacing FA Joe Staley (10) Arizona: QB Josh Rosen, UCLA The confident/cocky Josh Rosen was my personal # 1 QB, but he's going to have to work his way into a starting role in Arizona. Sam Bradford's the pricey veteran acquisition, and Mike Glennon's a serviceable backup as well. Perhaps it's best for all parties involved if Rosen (a true junior, only 3 years removed form high school), takes a redshirt year. Of course, that becomes a lot easier if Bradford can actually suit up and stand upright for 16 games. If Bradford looks balky, even in training camp, I can see the Cardinals washing their hands of that experiment and giving Rosen a shot much earlier. But presuming Bradford can hold up for most of the year, I'd expect Rosen's starting chance to come in Year 2. Given that I'm a big fan of his, I expect him to do well with it. Year 1: 2 starts, 339 yards, 1 TD, 1 int Year 2: 15 starts, 3492 yards, 21 TDs, 14 ints Year 3: 15 starts, 3887 yards, 26 TDs, 13 ints (11) Miami: DB Minkah Fitzpatrick, Alabama When you look for immediate impact in the NFL, you can often look to a prospect's immediate impact in college. That bodes extremely well for Minkah Fitzpatrick, who excelled from day one as a true freshman at Alabama. I'd fully presume that Fitzpatrick will be able to fit right in with the Dolphins, be it at safety, corner, or nickel. Again, stats don't fully reflect a defensive back's skill level, but I'd presume Fitzpatrick becomes a "plus" starter sooner than almost any other rookie. Year 1: 15 starts, 62 tackles, 3 ints Year 2: 15 starts, 58 tackles, 4 ints Year 3: 16 starts, 77 tackles, 5 ints (12) Tampa Bay: DT Vita Vea, Washington Although Vita Vea declared after his junior season, he's already 23 and more seasoned than some of his peers in his class. As a result, he should be closer to his "prime" and ready to contribute early on, likely as a starter. In terms of his stats, I fear Bucs' fans may be disappointed. Perhaps it's stereotyping to compare him to fellow Washington big boy DT Danny Shelton, but it's a concern that Shelton's production in college (94 tackles, 9 sacks as a senior) dipped to 36 tackles and 0.0 sacks as a rookie. Vea's more athletic of the two, but I still don't know if his pass rushing skills will translate to the NFL. Year 1: 13 starts, 33 tackles, 1.5 sacks Year 2: 15 starts, 40 tackles, 2.5 sacks Year 3: 15 starts, 39 tackles, 2.0 sacks (13) Washington: DT Da'Ron Payne, Alabama In my mind, Da'Ron Payne fits the opposite projection profile from Vea. He was far less productive in college (1.0 sack, 1.0 TFL) as a junior, but the 20 year old still has a lot of gas left in the tank. Based on the eye test, he also has more pass rushing juice than he's displayed so far. That said, he's a bulky d-linemen and those rarely rack up gaudy stat totals. I'd expect both him and former teammate Jonathan Allen to help boost the 'Skins run defense in a major way, but the stats may not reflect that offhand. Year 1: 13 starts, 40 tackles, 1.5 sacks Year 2: 15 starts, 49 tackles, 3.0 sacks Year 3: 15 starts, 43 tackles, 4.0 sacks (14) New Orleans: DE Marcus Davenport, UT-SA Was it smart for the Saints to trade a second R1 pick to move up for a raw rusher in Marcus Davenport? Maybe, maybe not. But hey, that's in the past now. And now that we're in the present, Davenport finds himself in a great situation on an improving New Orleans line. With Cameron Jordan as Priority 1, and Sheldon Rankins as # 2, Davenport should face his share of one-on-one blocking and be able to contribute with some solid sack totals. I'm not sure he'll be thrown in as a starter in Year 1, but I'm projecting him to be a productive reserve who secures a starting role after; Danielle Hunter (MIN) may be a good comp in that regard. Year 1: 6 starts, 17 tackles, 5.0 sacks Year 2: 14 starts, 38 tackles, 7.5 sacks Year 3: 15 starts, 40 tackles, 6.5 sacks (15) Oakland: OT Kolton Miller, UCLA Jon Gruden did Kenny Rogers proud with his first draft back, gambling over and over again. The risk in R1 was that UCLA tackle Kolton Miller could translate his 6'8" frame and athletic talent into more consistency at the next level. For our purposes, it may not matter much. Miller will be the best RT on the roster immediately and draw starts there. In terms of the learning curve, I'd expect him to be a below-average starter in Year 1, a solid starter in Year 2, and perhaps a plus starter by Year 3 by which point I'm projecting he'll be on the blind side. Year 1: 14 starts at RT Year 2: 10 starts at RT, 6 starts at LT Year 3: 15 starts at LT (16) Buffalo: LB Tremaine Edmunds, Virginia Tech Famously only 19 years old, Tremaine Edmunds has a world of upside given his physical profile and his athleticism. Personally, I've always been a little skeptical about his natural instincts for the position (relative to someone like Roquan Smith). That said, he's landing in an ideal situation for him here in Buffalo, both in regards to his opportunity and his coaching staff. The Bills have a wide open hole at LB for Edmunds to jump right into and rack up tackles. That said, "tackles" isn't a be-all end-all stat; I'm projecting that Edmunds collects a lot of tackles early on, but grades poorly by PFF metrics. The hope is that coach Sean McDermott and company can help get him up to speed and make him a real positive by Year 2 or 3. Year 1: 14 starts, 109 tackles, 1.5 sacks, 0 int Year 2: 15 starts, 118 tackles, 2.0 sacks, 1 int Year 3: 15 starts, 103 tackles, 1.5 sacks, 1 int (17) L.A. Chargers: DB Derwin James, Florida State Like his DB peer Minkah Fitzpatrick, Derwin James had an "immediate impact" as a true freshman in college (91 tackles, 4.5 sacks) which bodes well for his ability to adapt quickly to the NFL. In fact, I'm predicting that James will make as big of a splash as any player in this rookie class. His athleticism and power at 6'3" 210 is downright freaky. For offenses worried about Joey Bosa and Melvin Ingram up front, he'll be even more of a headache than they anticipated. I'm projecting that James becomes a star right away and a frontrunner for Defensive Rookie of the Year. That said, we have to be realistic about the injury risk here as well; he missed his entire sophomore year with injury, and his playing style lends itself to impact collisions. Year 1: 14 starts, 93 tackles, 3.5 sacks, 3 ints Year 2: 15 starts, 103 tackles, 4.0 sacks, 4 ints (Pro Bowl) Year 3: 10 starts, 75 tackles, 1.5 sacks, 2 ints (18) Green Bay: CB Jaire Alexander, Louisville There's no one happier coming out of the draft than new Green Bay DC Mike Pettine after the team loaded up on cornerbacks for him with Jaire Alexander in R1 and Josh Jackson in R2. Of those two, I'd predict that Alexander has a larger impact out of the gate. He doesn't have the same size and ball skills, but he's more experienced and more polished as a cover man. It's tough to slot in "starts" here unless you view the nickel corner as a starter; I did not, but maybe I should have. Either way, I'm guessing Alexander will have a solid rookie year and become a standout, near Pro Bowler by Year 3. Year 1: 5 starts, 38 tackles, 3 ints Year 2: 10 starts, 32 tackles, 2 ints Year 3: 15 starts, 37 tackles, 5 ints (19) Dallas: LB Leighton Vander Esch, Boise State Although Leighton Vander Esch is an athletic player coming off a great junior year (141 tackles, 4.0 sacks), I'm not sure he'll be able to translate that immediately to the NFL. He's a small town kid who took some time to get his feet wet at Boise State (47 total tackles prior to his junior year), and may need the same development here in Dallas. The problem is: Dallas may not have the luxury of patience here. Their LB needs help right away, and may have even more trouble if Sean Lee or Jaylon Smith can't stay on the field. I'd expect LVE to get a lot of time early on, perhaps before he's ready, which can make his "stats" look better than his play may be (similar to our projection for Tremaine Edmunds.) In that same vein, I'd expect him to "put it all together" around Year 3. Year 1: 14 starts, 77 tackles, 1.0 sack, 1 int Year 2: 14 starts, 88 tackles, 1.0 sack, 2 ints Year 3: 16 starts, 108 tackles, 2.0 sacks, 3 ints (20) Detroit: C Frank Ragnow, Arkansas Right now, ourlads.com lists Frank Ragnow as a 2nd team center, but teams rarely draft centers in R1 with that plan in mind. A tall and experienced lineman, I expect him to push his way into the starting lineup by the start of Week 1. As with Quenton Nelson, Ragnow's future accolades and honors may come down to team success. If he can help spark the running game (which in turn may spark the Lions into the playoffs), then Ragnow may be a quick Pro Bowl player. If the team continues to struggle as a collective, then he may become an afterthought in terms of awards (but still a solid starter.) Year 1: 13 starts at C, 3 starts at G Year 2: 16 starts at C (Pro Bowl) Year 3: 15 starts at C (21) Cincinnati: C Billy Price, Ohio State Ohio State stud Billy Price also lands in a great situation for him here in Cincinnati, a team that's been soft at the pivot for a few year's now. The only real question is a pec injury that may slow down his development early on (and may certainly re-occur later in the year if he's rushed back.) Given that, I'm projecting Price to have a little bumpy of a rookie year because of that injury issue, but settle into a strong starting role thereafter. Year 1: 10 starts at C Year 2: 16 starts at C Year 3: 16 starts at C (22) Tennessee: LB Rashaan Evans, Alabama A late breakout at Alabama, Rashaan Evans lands in a situation poised for an early breakout here in Tennessee. He'll presumably step right in for departed Avery Williamson, and be coached up by former LB Mike Vrabel. How often Vrabel utilizes Evans as a pass rusher may go a long way to determining how much he stands out from a statistical perspective, but I'm expecting him to be a solid starter almost immediately. He comes across as a smart guy in interviews, so I'm guessing that he'll be able to pick up the playbook quickly as well. Year 1: 14 starts, 83 tackles, 2.0 sacks, 1 int Year 2: 15 starts, 105 tackles, 3.0 sacks, 0 int Year 3: 15 starts, 108 tackles, 3.5 sacks, 1 int (23) New England: OL Isaiah Wynn, Georgia Although Isaiah Wynn doesn't have prototypical size at 6'3" 315, he has plenty of experience in college playing both guard and tackle. Personally, I'd see him as a better natural fit inside, but the more immediate "need" for the Patriots is at tackle right now. I expect Wynn to be a jack-of-all-trades as a rookie, filling in around the line and doing an adequate job. I'd predict his breakout, so to speak, will come in 2018 when he shifts to guard full time and thrives in that role. The Pats have two solid guards right now, but Shaq Mason will be a free agent and perhaps play his way into a big offer somewhere. Year 1: 5 starts at G, 8 starts at T Year 2: 16 starts at RG Year 3: 15 starts at RG (24) Carolina: WR D.J. Moore, Maryland Given the depth of this WR class (and the relative star power at the top), I thought all the R1 receivers were a little bit of a reach. R2-R3 felt like where the real value was. But that said, D.J. Moore is still a talented player landing in a favorable situation for him here. He projects as a nice complement to the possession receiver Devin Funchess, and may be able to secure a starting job by the end of his rookie year. In terms of statistics, that may not mean much. Rookie receivers tend to struggle to make an impact on the stat line, and the Panthers aren't going to be slinging it like the Saints anyway. Year 1: 8 starts, 38 receptions, 495 yards, 3 TDs Year 2: 14 starts, 56 receptions, 765 yards, 4 TDs Year 3: 15 starts, 60 receptions, 849 yards, 5 TDs (25) Baltimore: TE Hayden Hurst, South Carolina I presumed Hayden Hurst's advanced age (he'll turn 25 during his rookie year) would hurt his stock more than it did. But for the purposes of rookie year impact, it may help. Hurst is already a solid two-way player who's a good receiver and a willing blocker. The fact that he's landing on a team in desperate need of juice at the TE position helps him. I imagine the Ravens will initially "start" the bigger Nick Boyle, but utilize Hurst more as a receiving threat. He should take a firmer grip on the starting job by Year 2. Year 1: 4 starts, 23 receptions, 298 yards, 2 TDs Year 2: 14 starts, 48 receptions, 523 yards, 3 TDs Year 3: 15 starts, 54 receptions, 653 yards, 4 TDs (26) Atlanta: WR Calvin Ridley, Alabama I never quite bought into the notion of Calvin Ridley as a top 10 pick; he's a skilled and polished receiver, but he simply didn't have the insane physical talent of a Julio Jones type. To me, he projected as a good # 2 rather than a true # 1. And hey, it worked out perfectly for him here, where he can play Robin to Julio's Batman. Already 23 years old with 3 years of production under his belt, Ridley should be able to contribute right away. I don't think Mohamed Sanu will walk quietly into the night, but I expect Ridley to serve as the # 3 as a rookie (outpacing Sanu statistically) and then take over full time in Year 2. Year 1: 3 starts, 45 receptions, 598 yards, 2 TDs Year 2: 13 starts, 62 receptions, 837 yards, 4 TDs Year 3: 15 starts, 73 receptions, 948 yards, 5 TDs (27) Seattle: RB Rashaad Penny, San Diego State Rashaad Penny may have been a "reach" on the board, but he's walking into a clear path to a starting role here in Seattle. The question will be how effective he can be in that role. And frankly, a lot of that will be answered by how well the new coaching staff can improve the offensive line and maintain the team's commitment to the running game. Year 1: 13 starts, 688 rushing yards (3.8 YPC), 102 receiving, 5 total TDs Year 2: 13 starts, 848 rushing yards (4.1 YPC), 218 receiving, 7 total TDs Year 3: 14 starts, 837 rushing yards (4.0 YPC), 283 receiving, 6 total TDs (28) Pittsburgh: DB Terrell Edmunds, Virginia Tech Like his younger brother Tremaine, Terrell Edmunds is a highly athletic prospect who still needs some time to develop. Unlike his brother, I don't see a clear starting role for Terrell to grab onto this season, so he may take a full year to take the reins. I'd expect him to develop into a solid starter, albeit not a star. Of course, projecting defensive backs is really hard for an amateur like me, so I may be way off base here. I've read some recent reports that are more optimistic about him. Year 1: 6 starts, 27 tackles, 0 int Year 2: 13 starts, 50 tackles, 1 int Year 3: 15 starts, 57 tackles, 3 int (29) Jacksonville: DT Taven Bryan, Florida The Jags' defensive line was a strength already, but they must have felt the value of the talented Taven Bryan was too high to pass up. To start, his immediate value may come in giving bigger starters like Marcel Dareus breathers. I'd expect Bryan to take a larger role in the rotation when/if the team moves on from Dareus. I wouldn't be shocked if it happens in 2018 (as had been rumored) but I'm slating that in for 2019. Year 1: 0 starts, 13 tackles, 1.5 sacks Year 2: 13 starts, 37 tackles, 3.5 sacks Year 3: 15 starts, 43 tackles, 4.0 sacks (30) Minnesota: CB Mike Hughes, Central Florida As a former DB coach, Mike Zimmer has never given up his passion. He snatches up cornerbacks almost every year, which makes sense in a league where depth at the position becomes harder and harder to find. Mike Hughes was my # 3 rated CB, but he may struggle to crack meaningful snaps in Year 1 on a crowded roster (depending on Mackensie Alexander's development.) In the long run, I really like his fit on this roster, either as a starter opposite Xavier Rhodes or in a nickel role. He should ultimately be a better player than the stats would suggest. Year 1: 0 starts, 9 tackles, 1 int Year 2: 10 starts, 23 tackles, 3 ints Year 3: 15 starts, 31 tackles, 4 ints (31) New England: RB Sony Michel, Georgia Sony Michel is an extremely talented runner who flashed in the Georgia Bulldogs' rotation. You have to presume that he's slated for a similar role in New England, a team that currently has 5+ runners on the roster. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if the Pats slow played Michel's development all season long, effectively "saving him" for the big games/playoff games. As a result of that, it's hard to project his role or his stat line on a yearly basis (or from a fantasy football basis.) Year 1: 481 rushing yards (4.7 YPC), 183 receiving, 3 total TDs Year 2: 722 rushing yards (4.3 YPC), 302 receiving, 5 total TDs Year 3: 777 rushing yards (4.4 YPC), 330 receiving, 4 total TDs (32) Baltimore: QB Lamar Jackson, Louisville Having the electric Lamar Jackson on the roster will certainly push Joe Flacco, and perhaps even provide a distraction every time he struggles. That said, Flacco is still a Super Bowl winning QB leading a team with a strong chance at the playoffs; it's tough to see him benched this year barring a real stumble. In fact, I'd take that a step further: I'm projecting Flacco will start 2019 as well, although may eventually get shuffled out by 2020 when cutting him becomes more manageable from a cap perspective. Meanwhile, the Ravens' creative offensive staff (Marty Mornhinweg and Greg Roman) can develop Jackson for the long haul. I can see them sprinkling in special packages for Jackson in the meantime to help get his feet wet, but I'd still pencil in 2020 as the most likely time for him to grab hold of the real starting job. Year 1: 0 starts, 84 passing yards, 0 TD, 0 int Year 2: 0 starts, 111 passing yards, 0 TD, 1 int Year 3: 13 starts, 2738 passing yards, 16 TDs, 13 ints, 471 rushing yards (3 touchdowns)
PART ONE OF FIVE So, you wanna go to SHOT show? You think it's all fun and games? Get to play with guns? See Jesse James and James Yeager? SHOT show is the annual pilgrimage of the unwashed masses to Las Vegas to rub elbows with youtube celebrities, bloggers and overseas businessmen copying US made equipment and share infectious disease. If you love guns, gambling and gonorrhea - SHOT show is for you! It is not my typical idea of a good time. I am not a big fan of Las Vegas. However: I do attend for a few reasons. First, I do enjoy travel and I'm gold on UA so I can usually score an upgrade. Second, industry people are in there that I do hundreds of thousands if not millions of dollars with business with so it's nice to put a face with the name and see what deals are out there. SHOT for me has been a bust for the past few years. Being a value guy, I want to buy at $1000 and sell at $3000 and as of recently the gun business is more like buy for $1 and sell for $1.10 if you get what I mean. We used to do business at SHOT and now it's just checking in on foursquare, instagram and rubbing elbows with bloggers and the like. I want to make money, not spend money so this is very annoying to me. Anyways, onto the play by play. Saturday, January 19th. Three days before SHOT show. I talk a friend of mine to drive me to the airport after I drop my F350 at the body shop. I had a hit and run and someone totally fucked up all my paint and clearcoat. My guy says he can get it done while I'm gone for SHOT so I hitch a ride with a friend and pick up the tab for lunch. We have brisket. It is delicious. I get to the airport 3 hours early for my flight just in case the TSA line is a shitshow thanks to, well TSA. The government shutdown is not helping these folks. I have pre check and much to my surprise I breeze right through after a brief 3 minute wait. I slog my way to the lounge, as shitty as it is to wait for my winged chariot to IAH. I have gone from being in an abusive relationship with AA to being in an abusive relationship with UA. Although if you really want to experience the battered spouse feeling, NK is a few gates over. I board my flight to IAH and my Renton assembled chariot is on time and boarding early. The hate agent scans my pass and the alarms go off and spits off a new boarding pass. I have been upgraded to first class. You all will be turning right, I will be turning left once I pass the threshold of 2L on this old 757. I'll take a cleared upgrade at the gate any day of the week considering that I am 29/53 for Bush to LAX. Fuck my life. I gate check my bags to make life easier for me and the rest of the folks riding with me. If I don't have to worry about being short on time at my destination, I like to gate check to free up bins for those who are not as fortunate. Eventually I board and ask the FA to say hi to the captain and get a ride report. She says no problem. I step down into the 757 flight deck and take some selfies with the crew. They appreciate my aviation nerdery. They tell me that there will be light chop all over texas today and we're going to have some bumps so strap in and don't be a hero. Having brightened the day of the flight crew, I head back to my lie flat window seat, fully recline and kick back and relax by listening to channel 9 on the IFE. It's disabled. Fuck. I put on a movie and watch the delightful Tag with the always excellent Jon Hamm, Ed Helms and others. It's a good movie and made me laugh. Just as we get to the gate the credits roll. We land at Bush right on time but I have a 59 minute spa layover I had planned OR I can go to Landrys with my priory pass and get some blackened snapper. Do I hightail it to the Centurion lounge in terminal D, my home away from home? Or go for fresh grilled seafood? This centurion lounge does not have a spa. Fuck it, lets go cajun. I walk over to Landrys and order the blackened snapper. It is delicious. The kitchen is a little behind so they box it up the rest of it for me to take on the plane which they don't have to do and I leave the waitress a nice tip. I am sweating from the blackened seasoning. I don't care. NOM NOM NOM. Fish is delish. They have already started boarding to LAX as I walk up to the gate. I ask the hate agent if there's any upgrades. She says first is checked in full and we are 100% packed to LAX today. I thank her and board my bulkhead seat to LAX with my blackened snapper in one hand and personal item in the other. Giving the FA a friendly nod, I ask to say hi to the captain and she says no way boss, we're busy - sit down and shut up. Rude. The boarding door closes for an on time departure and I watch another classic - Wall Street! I polish off the blackened snapper, dirty rice and green beans. Charlie Sheen before he went crazy was a pretty good actor. He's so dreamy. I'm sweating profusely from the blackened seasoning and get up to throw away my trash because I didn't want the other guys in coach to have to do it for me. I walk right up to the forward galley into Bitchy McBitchface who woke up on the wrong side of life starts telling me to use the coach lavatory. I tell her I just wanted to throw some trash away and she gave me more attitude than a sassy black woman working at the DMV. Listen lady, if you don't wanna be dealing with trash - maybe you shouldn't be working for United, eh? I take my seat and I fall asleep on the way to LA. The ride is smoother than my nephew's 16 month old ass. The flight was not long enough. The landing is a perfect grease job on 24R and the only thing awakening me from my slumber is the reversers on the 737 Max. I pull my headset out so I can tune in LAX ground on LiveATC just as we make the left for taxiway Alpha/Alpha. I see the taxiway signs out of the corner of my window and start the feed just as I hear the ding. ding What I'm expecting: Welcome to Los Angeles where the local time is 5:55. Your Houston based flight crew would like to thank you for flying United and your baggage will be at carousel (integer) What I heard from a clearly panic stricken FA: IF THERE IS A DOCTOR OR ANYONE WITH MEDICAL TRAINING ON BOARD PLEASE RING YOUR CALL BUTTON. Everyone wants to be a hero until it's time to do hero shit. I reach up and press the button and a single chime tells the FA that row 9 pressed button. ding FA: If you are a doctor or have medical training please head to the rear galley immediately. I dumped my phone in my seat. (This was my first mistake. I'll tell you why later.) Shit. It's go time. The passengers next to me are soundly asleep and it's a full flight, so I unbuckle my belt and turnstile jump over the two of them making a resounding thud onto the cabin floor. I promptly walked with a purpose to the rear cabin. As I'm heading back I hear someone else walking behind me but I'm focused on the long walk from the bulkhead to the rear galley. I arrive shortly and my immediate impression is that the rear galley is not in good shape. Oh, the bitchface FA that told me off? She's now profusely thanking me for showing up. Funny how that works isn't it? There's a woman lying across three jumpseats on oxygen screaming in pain with a clearly experienced physician working on her and checking her out. I am not about to get in his way. Right behind me is a six foot three beast of a man who I can only imagine used to play right wing for Detroit. Doc 1 is working her, there's me and Doc 2 is behind me. Doc 1 tells us she's got shortness of breath and chest pains. Doc 2 nods and says he's a trauma surgeon from Cedars Sinai. Doc 1 tells us he's an internal medicine specialist at UCLA. Doc 2 asks me what my specialty is. FC says structural firefighting and making sure you two get everything you need. Doc 2 looks at the FA and asks if they got an AED on board. I look up at the nearest overhead and there's an AED in the compartment, I bust it out and hand it to him. They start sizing her up as we taxi down Alpha/Alpha. I stand in the aisle inbetween the two bathroom doors as they do their thing ready to help out. (FC breaks the fourth wall) FOR THE UNINITIATED: United is in terminals 7/8 on the south side of LAX. When you land next to In-and-Out Burger on Sepuldeva you're on the north side of the field. It's easily a 20 minute ride to get from one side of the airport to another when they're busy. Prime time for LAX is 1800hrs because you have all the morning flights from the east and the afternoon flights from the central time zone arriving. When you have a medical emergency and time is a factor, a 20 minute ride to the gate is what we call sub optimal. There's hard stand/remote gates at LAX on the northwest side of the field surface street adjacent that you can get to a lot faster than a long haul around the airport. If you give me a choice of going to the hard stand and meeting the ambulance or taking a 15-20 minute taxi during rush hour to a UA staffed ramp - I will GLADLY take to the hard stand, shut down and start em up. Yes, it's going to inconvenience a plane full of people for 20 minutes for you to unload, restart and taxi back. No, I give zero fucks. My mistake was leaving my phone behind. Had I had it with me, I would have known we were going long way around and applied some intervention techniques to get things moving faster. I had no idea where we were. (Cut to present) Doc 1 managed the best he could and the lady said inbetween raspy breaths that she was going to start vomiting from the pain. Doc calls for a bag. The FA takes the safety equipment bag, the one holding the lifevest, seatbelt extender and oxygen mask and empties it. OH FOR FUCKS SAKE. I reach over to the nearest passenger, pull all the contents of the seatback out, dump it on the floor and hand doc 1 a United brand official airsick bag. Just as I do this and I step back, the plane rapidly slows down and begins to turn. (FC breaks the fourth wall again) I used the term suboptimal earlier, and this is going to be a theme for the rest of the trip. Boeing in their infinite wisdom decided to stretch a 737 design and call it the MAX instead of doing a clean sheet. Three FA's, two doctors, me, and our lady experiencing chest pains are in the rear galley all not wearing seatbelts. All but the patient are standing. We are something like 80 feet behind the main landing gear. Inertia is not our friend today. I start falling and I grab the only thing I can on the way down: the door handle to the lavatory. (Cut to present) Next thing I know, I've experienced what the FAA would probably term a "Lavatory Incursion" - and I wonder where my life has gone wrong as my knee has hit the toilet bowl. I get back up and prop a hand up on the cabin ceiling just to steady myself for the rest of the ride to the gate. I look towards the front of the plane and notice something. Some fuckwit in row 29 is livestreaming this on instagram or some crap. Are you fucking shitting me? I lean over to the purser and tell her that while Doc 1 and 2 are fixing her, I'm gonna go do some fixing of my own about 10 rows up. My resting bitch face is on point right now as I walk up to the tactless millennial inconsiderate smartphone user and get ready to fix this problem in a way honed by years of catholic school, brute force and dealing with shithead customers. FC: Just what do you think you're doing? 1: I'm livestreaming this on twitter. It's my right. FC: You're gonna delete whatever you filmed right now. 1: Or what are you gonna do about it? FC: You see that FA over there? The one that looks like she's not taking any shit from anybody today? I'm gonna ask her for the intercom, I'm gonna call the captain and my friends over at the LAPD are gonna haul your ass in front of a judge and the next place you're gonna be livestreaming from is the back of a police car. And let me tell you something you might not know. There's two ways to enjoy LA Jail on a Saturday night. One's a Richard Pryor album. The other's when a skinny inked up ginger white boy like you walks in. Give me that goddamn phone. I'm handed the phone and I delete the video as I walk back to the rear galley and put it in my back pocket. People are now asking if they're gonna make their connections and shit and I tell them to shut up, we've got more important things going on. As I walk back I peek through the windows seeing nothing but darkness. How long does it take to get to the gate? And even then, is there an ambulance waiting there? What the fuck is happening? Where the fuck are we? I ask Bitch McBitchface how long these symptoms have been going on. Apparently this issue had just arisen upon landing. Doc 1 asks for a stethoscope. I pull down the first aid kit from the compartment. It requires keys. The cabin crew has to find the keys for the first aid kit. I'm eventually handed a key and bust out a stethoscope for the doc. I peer out the window of the rearmost seats looking for signs of a gate, ambulance or anything I can reference to figure out where we are - the tower, a 777 tail which would tell me we are nearing the international terminal.....nothing but darkness. This is not good. Doc keeps the O2 flowing as we are all standing there helpless waiting for the plane to get to the ambulance or vice versa. The cabin crew asks how they're going to get her off the plane. FC: Well she's in no condition to walk, can you get the rampers to put air stairs on 2L and take her off that way? It would be easier and optimal. FA: I don't think we are able to do that (It is at this point I think I smell toast. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T DO THAT? GET ON THE INTERCOM AND TELL THE CAPTAIN THAT THEY ARE GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE HER OFF THE PLANE VIA 2L AND STAIRS WTF) I get that what is happening is clearly exceeding the crew's training but this is.....bad. Eventually we arrive at the gate and the fine folks at Station 51 from LAFD EMS arrive. The EMT sizes it up and calls for an aisle chair to be brought to take her off the plane since she can't walk. (WE HAVE BEEN SAYING THIS THE WHOLE TIME!) They load her up and I step out of the way into the lavatory, I see them wheel her out through a crack in the door. I take this chance to do a bit from spies like us. I look to my left and extend my hand. Doctor. I nod. I repeat to the right. They also repeat the bit. We chuckle. I look towards Doc 2. FC: Hey Docs, I didn't catch your names. I'm Will. Will Hayden. Doc 2: George, George Rodriguez. FC: Good work there Dr Rodriguez. Thanks for helping out. Doc 2: We're doctors. It's what we do. Doc 1: Hiya Will, I'm Charlie Fong. FC: Nice work today Dr Fong. Thank you for showing up. We start walking back to our seats as I snort out a laugh. FC: So, Dr Fong.....I guess it's safe to say that United has successfully smoothed things over with the Asian physician community? The doc's have a two Mississippi awkward pause as they begun laughing hysterically. Please, tip your waitresses. Try the veal. I'm here all night. Tactless millennial asks me to return phone, and I hand it back as we walk back to our seats. EMS clears the plane, captain tells people that they can now leave and a cacophony of seat belt buckles pierces the high pitched drone that is a 737 sitting at the gate without engines running on shore power. I ask Bitchy if I can see the captain on the way out as she once more thanks me for my service. She stuck her head in, got a nod and let me pass. I asked the captain why we landed on the north side of the field with an onboard medical and why we didn't get priority handling from the ground controller and why the hell it took so long to get to the gate. His response was staggering. CA: We didn't even know there was an emergency in the galley until the FA told us. By then we were almost to the terminal. FC: Are you fucking kidding me? CA: Nope. By the time we knew something was going on we were already on the ground and almost to the gate. We talk airplane briefly about the 737 Max, the new jumpseats and I wish them a good rest of the trip. I secretly think he's got to be shitting me. Being a good aviation nerd, I made mental note to check his work after I got back to the hotel. I head to the lounge in LAX for a bite to eat, a sprite and some very boring time to myself. Just as I walk into the terminal there's a voicemail from my uncle. My plan for LA was to see my family - and my cousin and his wife who's pregnant with their second kid. I crash at my uncle's house in Pasadena and walk around old town and shop at Vromans Bookstore and enjoy all that Southern California has to offer. It's a good way to spend a weekend. If you ever get a chance, do it. It's fun. I can pay United a shitload of money to fly into McCarran on Monday or I can spend 1/3 of that and go into LAX a few days before and hop over for $45. I love LA. NEW VOICEMAIL FROM UNCLE LOU: Family emergency, we all have to head to Chicago because Lisa's mom is in the hospital and we can't see you this weekend. You're on your own. I'm on my way to Burbank to catch the last flight to Midway. Talk to you later. Fuck. Time for an FC adventure. I order some food in the lounge and crack open the laptop. One of my customers works for LAFD. I find his personal cell phone number in my sales records. ring ring 1: Go for Smith FC: Chief Smith! Will Hayden here! How's that M110 running? 1: Will...holy shit long time no talk. What's going on? FC: Family bailed on me for this weekend, gotta make my own adventure. You working tomorrow? I'd love to see how LA does things. 1: No, but I have some friends on C shift that are. Let me see who's gonna be around. Let me call you back in 10. FC: You got it Chief. I eat and drink and relax and the phone rings back. Chief smith says be at station 9 at 0800 hrs Sunday morning. I say no problem! Thanks! He tells me to check in with the captain of the truck crew and he'll show me around. While I'm on the laptop I book the marriott in Torrance. It's near the airport and a 25 minute ride to station 9. Little did I know it's next to a goddamn oil refinery and the housekeeping staff have left all the windows to my room open. Ugh. I kick back and take a shower. When I get back, I pulled all the ATC tape from LAX tower, from landing clearance to touchdown to the ground controller handoff to the checkpoint, to the request for medical assistance and timestamped all of it. The request to LAX ground for EMS was made somewhere on taxiway bravo after passing papa (TBIT) but before Charlie-6. (T7). By that time we were already on the south side of the field and terminal adjacent. Cabin crew didn't tell the captain to request EMS till we got to the other side of the fucking airport. From the moment I walked up, I had assumed (incorrectly) that prior to the request for medical assistance they would at least have told the captain what was going on. They didn't and he was flying blind. When you do a CPR class the first thing you do is call 911 and ask for an ambulance because it does not matter how much CPR you do if an ambulance never shows up to take you to the hospital. There's a lesson to be learned here. When seconds count, the request for EMS is waiting for the plane to get to the terminal to be called. I knew United wasn't great, but this is to use a southern california term - no bueno. The Westchester In and Out Burger has a 4x4 with my name on it and it is DELICIOUS. After I finish eating I hop on the hangout with the guys. Since I've got no plans till morning I decide that it's worth the crazy time and I call u/gunexpert69 and we make plans to hang out at his local watering hole. We then try to pick up some flight attendants at the Doubletree. We fail miserably and call it a night. Sunday, January 20th. Two days before SHOT show. My alarm is set for 727AM. It rings, I wash up, jump in the car and put free fallin by Tom Petty on the radio and hop onto 405 south to pick up 110 north. The freeways are empty and I make incredible time downtown. I look down at the address and wonder where the fuck I am going. 7th and San Julian St? I drive around and there are tents on the sidewalk everywhere. This is the closest I have seen to life in a WROL situation. Eventually I find a spot on 7th street, bang on the door and the guys tell me to pull my car into the back lot. I do so and the guys are having breakfast and invite me to sit down and grab a bite. When in Rome...... I grab some eggs, bacon and a biscuit and the truck captain comes by and says oh you know Smith? Apparently they came up in the same academy class and are old friends. He sticks his head out the door and yells at one of the guys and pantomimes some instructions. I don't speak ASL so I just nod and take it in. He runs down what they're doing today. LA tradition is that weekends are for the boys so they do training on weekends. It's 820AM and they've setup a training scenario and are gonna run it. This looks cool. One of the guys comes back and hands me a headset, saladbowl and turnout coat. Captain says you're with me in the truck. Gear up. Uh. What? CA: Yeah, Chief Smith said you'd be riding along with us today. Right? FC: LOL! I thought he was just gonna do a station visit. Sure, I'll ride with you guys. CA: You ever see a TDA before? FC: I used to be on the engine or the quint so this is gonna be new. CA: Well, jump in. Lets go. My ride to LA was a 737 max made in Renton that just came off the line January 17th. My ride to Skid Row was a 100' Pierce Arrow XT Tractor Drawn Aerial that was three years old. I hopped in and we drove around to the training location where the guys were to setup the ladder and pretend like they were venting a roof on a 5 story building. I was told to go shadow the command post as they'd be evaluating the guys and they had a good training day. LA has a good group of people and it shows. They did a post training debrief, simulated a dry hydrant and talked about everything they did, everything they did badly and everything they could do better. LA has some fantastic people there that are very talented. The guys started putting tools away and rolling hose. I find the captain over on one of the engines and ask him if they need help with anything. He says if you want to help out, we're breaking down that attack line you can drain it. FC: You guys straight roll to a flat load right? CA: Yeah. You know hose? FC: Drivers do it with hose. CA: LOL! Hadn't heard that one before! Here's some gloves. He gave me some gloves, I straight rolled three sections of three quarter line and hauled it all back to the engine where I found the truck captain loading hose with his guys. If anyone wants to see where real leadership is, it's helping your guys load hose and pack up tools. I hook up and look up as I notice their technique. LA flat loads all their attack line, no preconnects. Two guys in the bed dressing and dutching it, one guy on the ground, straight roll between the boots pulling hose straight up into the engine. Gets any residual water out and they can check the gaskets every length. Never seen that done before but it looks like a smooth technique. I hook up the last of their attack line as the guys finish packing up. The bells come in and there's an automatic fire alarm tripped. First call of the morning. We hop over there and its' a false alarm. The rest of the day is spent with station 9 watching the various indigenous folks of Skid Row do their thing. Station 9 is the busiest fire station in the nation. Before lunch they ran 3 overdoses, 2 stabbings, and a cacophany of crap. I went with them and their ambulance drivers and EMT's really earn every dollar they make working this area. After a quick break for lunch, they start watching the Rams game. Just as it got good, bells came in for another few calls and next thing I knew - the Rams were going to the super bowl and the dinner bell was ringing. I decided it would be overstaying my welcome to hang out for dinner so I packed up and bought a shirt and told the guys if they ever needed guns to shout at me. Drove over to Grand Central Market to get a bite to eat and then grabbed some in and out burger on my way back to the hotel. txgi is sloshed and in no position to travel after watching the patriots destroy KC. It's been a crazy day and the beginning of a crazy trip. And it's just getting started. Monday, January 21st. One day before SHOT Show I wake up late, grab lunch at the Del Amo mall and do some shopping. My flight to McCarran leaves at 7PM and arrives just after 8PM. Knowing rush hour traffic in LA I decide to leave early and get to the airport at 430. I hightail it to the lounge in TBIT and grab a bite to eat and relax. I'm on an Alaska A320 to McCarran all the way in the back but at least I got a window seat. I stop in on the way to talk to the captain and he asks me a bunch of gun questions. I tell him the VP9 is good to go and he should buy it with his ATP credentials. The 320 ride to LAS is entirely filled with moderate chop. The airplane is literally banging the side of the plane into my head. It is a miserable flight. We land on time and I am unable to stop at the Centurion lounge for a bite and a drink because it's closed for renovations. I grab my bags and pick up my badge for SHOT Show at the airport and jump on the shuttle bus to Hertz. I reserved a compact knowing I'd need to be in and out of a tight parking garage. I get to my assigned spot, spot 13 and there's a fullsize Chevy Suburban there. What the fuck is this? I throw my bags inside, jump in and drive right up to the Gold Member service area. FC: The lady on the phone asked me compact, midsize or fullsize - WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? Hertz: That's the Hertz Love Wagon! Think of all the ladies you can drive around in this! FC: DO I LOOK LIKE A GODDAMN LYFT FOR WORKING GIRLS? It is at this point where I learn something. The best part about Vegas is anything crazy or unbelievable can be explained or justified by shrugging your shoulders, opening your palms upward and saying "It's Vegas!" Hertz: It's Vegas! FC: I am not driving (gesticulates widlly) THIS into the parking garage of the Palazzo for 4 days straight! Hertz is not impressed with my pantomime. They find me a brand new 2019 Honda Pilot with 19 miles on it. I hightail it up the highway to Circus Circus. Check in line is totally deserted. I am able to haul my bags up and get keys in 3 minutes flat. That's gotta be a fucking record. Just as I arrive at my room I decide to send Rusty Shackleford a picture of me looking grumpy in front of the hertz love wagon. RS: ARE YOU IN VEGAS?!?!?!??!?!? FC: YES!!!! WHY ARE WE YELLING?!?!?!??!? (image of Rusty coming down the escalator with the sign behind him that says WELCOME TO LAS VEGAS in the background) FC: Oh dear god. I just got to the hotel to dump off my bags, you want a ride? I can be there in 20. RS: Nah man we just landed a few min ago I was gonna take an uber FC: By the time you get to the rideshare area it'll be 20 minutes. I can be there by the time you get to the curb. Seriously. RS: LOL okay head over! I look at my watch. Las Vegas Blvd traffic on a monday night? This isn't gonna work. I grab my coat and run back to the parking garage and tear out of the CC garage tires squealing all the way down. I bang a left onto Sammy Davis Jr Drive and haul ass to Spring mountain where I jump on 15 and get the car up to 100MPH between mandalay bay and 215. McCarran Airport SUCKS in many regards and the airport pickup is one of them. It's not laid out well at all but it makes the cabbies plenty of money. I find it kinda funny because this year I'm picking up Rusty. Last year I was picking up a coworker of a buddy of mine who needed his SHOT show pass and there was no way to get it to him that night so I just said fuck it, give me the pass and I'll get it to him and drive him to the hotel. The year before, I picked up u/fluffy_butternut. I guess I am the world's worst uber driver. I like doing the same bit over and over again like beating a dead horse so I can pickup Rusty one of to ways. A: The classic Las Vegas Airport pickup. Drive to airport and park car on curb. Wait for metro PD to start yelling at you for parking on the sidewalk. Message Rusty to tell him I'm the one parked on the sidewalk. B: In my best Arnold Schwarzenegger impression: COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE My calculations were rough but I figured rusty should get to the curb right at the same time as me. If he's there already, we do B. If he's not, I'll do A. The speed limit in the tunnel under the airport is 55. I'm doing 90. I fly up the ramp to Terminal 1 and tell him that I'll grab him at the American arrivals level. Just as I pull off to the curb to tell him I'm here he tells me he's just walked outside and I look up and see a classically hawaiian shirt standing at the curb. I pull the car forward, stop quickly and do my best Arnold. He laughs and hops in. I take him to his hotel and dump him off at registration as I park the car. I spend 20 minutes parking the car and I walk over to registration to find him still in line. The hotel is packed with people for the convention. Behind us is a beautiful blonde engineer in town for what I'm guessing is World of Concrete based on the blueprints she's brought with her. I chat her up a bit until I see that she's got a wedding ring on her other hand. We head up to rusty's room where we find a king size bed and a hot tub 5 feet away. You don't even need to leave your bed to drown a hooker if you don't want to. It's Vegas! Rusty says lets go down to the casino and lose some money. We head down to the casino and lose some money at the craps table. This trip is not treating me nicely. I tell him I gotta tap out. Show in the morning.
Before I tell you the story, I will have to tell you something that is significant to what you are about to hear. There was an old thing priests used to do instead of exorcisms They used to try something called "Devil's Vessel". This was back in the 9th century where religion was highly valued and there were creative ways to deal with evil and unique ways of exorcism. I found it while surfing the web 3 years ago where priests chose their holy items or they can also use their favorite items that they prize to do this. This activity consisted of sitting down in a pitch black room with 1-2 other people (person). The priest and the person being exorcised will sit in the chairs (along with another priest of the client's friend if wanted. A person who volunteers (the priest) will come forth and bring their item. They will carry a candle with the item facing the candle. Sit in that position until midnight. On the strike of midnight, the priest will use the candle fire to light that possession on fire and burn it. The person being exorcised will feel some comfort in that moment. The next day, if the exorcism is a success, the priest will stumble upon that object the same day and keep it, and make it crucial to not lose it. However, if the priest forgets about the item or the exorcism, the demonic creature will be released. If the item is lost, the creature will also be released. When this happens, the priest or imprisoner of that creature will now be imprisoned in that item. This is why you see modern Orthodox priest carry so many religious items because it is tradition that they don't want to forget to use them to protect themselves from the pits of hell. Now, enough with me and my tangents. Let's begin. I grew up loving aviation. I loved the idea of heights. That is because I loved risk. Risk is that voice in your head telling you to take a gamble. Jump off a waterfall, or point a revolver at your head in a game of Russion Roulette. However, I also love traveling and seeing the world and civilization grow before my very eyes. That’s why I got the job of a flight attendant, and I’m training in aviation for a higher position such as pilot or co-pilot. Now, I don’t know many things about working the plane or the mechanics because I am quite new to Boeings. However, I learned 2 things: The Pilot should be on the plane at all times to control the plane, and if the pilot is not in the cockpit, flight attendants may fill in due to the “2 person rule” where there must be at least 2 staff in the cockpit at all times. Really, people always say to me things like “holy shit, your job is to travel the world?”. As fun as it is, the job can get strenuous as we have clean-up duty and occasionally cleaning the bathroom. Given the fact that we go through many, and when I say many, I mean many passengers for each flight. Well that doesn’t matter, for now. Entering the flight after receiving some documents, I headed off to the “Attendant’s Quarters” as the called it. Passengers flooded in and I began to get those jitters of excitement. I’ve barely gone on these huge Boeings and I’m normally using small planes to fly. “All passengers boarding Halifax Flight 932, welcome aboard.” Now, to mention, this is a pretty big plane. A Boeing 777 complete with beds and circular luxury seats and tables with a movie screen for First Class. Behind those seats were the Economy Class passengers with movie screens and little remote controls. Passengers were offered slippers and earbuds as they began listening to the safety instructions. Hearing snippets of different parts of the instructions, I met my fellow attendants. The first was a 25 year old woman, with a name tag saying “Hello, my name is Melanie”. She was a gorgeous lady, she looks French and a bit Irish. Beautiful auburn hair that was wavy and bouncy. Absolutely perfect face and her physique was not that far behind. “Hi, I’m Melanie, so nice to meet you. What’s your name?” “Oh...hey, my name’s Caleb. How are you tonight?” “Absolutely fabulous…” came the soft answer. She seemed nice enough. While I was just standing there trying to avoid being socially awkward. She headed off to the front of the plane to have some words with the Co-Pilot. Next was another lady that looks exactly like Melanie but younger. Maybe they were related? Her tag read “Sherry”, a woman in her early 20s and heterochromatic eyes. She walks by me without saying anything. I get it, because it’s only day one of jobs (or at least we’re at new and different airports) and no one really had to many social skills with fellow attendants. The plane took off a few minutes later and I had to plug my ears a bit to get that popping out and the earplugs in. Us flight attendants weren’t summoned until 2 hours later. Starting out of the quarters, I marched to the front of the plane to fetch refreshments. Melanie was there as was getting a handful of sprite, coke, crush, water, mineral water, and god knows what else. I had nothing more than the cart of food for 1st class and Economy down. I hear the gentle snores of the passengers and the occasional cry from a toddler. Kids watching the mini screen TV both in 1st and Economy and the cockpit and crew running normally, too normally…. At the one hour mark, we have hit our first wave of turbulence. The co-pilot announcing the turbulence through the mic. However, I can hear scuffling in the background, probably static. I went back to Melanie who was still dishing out trays of the noodles, burgers, pasta, and whatever the hell they serve on this plane. “Need some help?” I asked “Oh my, I’m fine, thanks though.” I could tell she was definitely not fine. She was balancing a dish in her right hand, another in her left, and another one on her head. I oddly pictured her as a circus performer. Balancing plates, hula-hoops, and rings wherever she can on her body. She is overworking herself and it’s only an hour into the 8 hour flight to France. Now, on this plane, the pilot gives us notifications on storms, or turbulence or anything. The messages are kept in the attendant’s quarters. I walked by the attendant’s quarters to be met with a series of dings, and messages from the pilot. 24 of them to be exact, and they were all turbulence warnings. Now, on a plane, the turbulence warning was put on once, and once only. In that same moment, Melanie came by to notice the same thing, along with the other attendant, Sherry. “I swear to god the pilot is high.” came that remark of contempt from Sherry. Therefore, she had to go to the cockpit to talk to the pilot who is seemingly the perpetrator of these pings. She would be the one to ask “what’s the big deal?”. Now, there was one more thing that jumped out to me. When I took a glimpse at the passenger’s mini tellys, there was no turbulence warning. When the pilot makes an announcement and ping to the messages, it should appear on the televisions. There was no sign of a warning. I heard Melanie sarcastically smirk, “well shit, must be a glitch in the matrix.” “You know what fuck it, it’s probably just a technological glitch.” I gave a sharp retort. Sherry, however was stubborn with this and said, “I ‘m having a good talk with this pilot or co-pilot to see what the hell he’s doing.” With that she left. It was just me and Melanie. Melanie and I both resumed our normal duties. Grabbing the refills for Orange juice, Sprite, and coke. Along with the food, and prepping the ear plugs for the next flight because the flight altitude can do wonky things to your ears. Plus, people like their sleep. I liked this job, and as usual, everything is smooth and efficient. After the last refreshment, I went in the attendant’s quarters for a hot break. Just pondering about my day, and watching dumb videos on my phone. However, after all that work, I noticed something. Something didn’t feel right. That’s when it hit me. Sherry is still gone doing who knows what. We are now halfway to France and the first 4 hours of the flight was fine. However, Sherry was still not back yet. “What the hell, no one talks to the pilot for like 3 hours straight.” I said. Behind me, Melanie said, “Well bitch better be back soon.” After standing in the quarters, I just had to take a look at the cockpit. Of course I was this curious because this was literally my very first time working in Halifax, and things are getting seriously weird. I never actually expected something like this to happen. The pilot being absolutely bonkers and while everything is fine here, the cockpit could most definitely be another story. I went to the front of the plane, and down the cockpit. However, I saw the oddest thing. The plane was on autopilot. I know the auto-pilot thing is supposed to be 99% safe because this is a passenger plane and if anyone dies of a plane crash or some other shit that the weather decides the throw at us or the engine screwing up, then we’d be getting lawsuits in a flash. The cockpit seemed untouched Including the Co-pilot’s place, and I know for a fact that the Co-pilot is on the plane. However, I never actually did see him. All I know is that Melanie has interacted with him and he should be a reliable person to go to when we have to question about the mechanics of our job or the plane. I searched for this Pilot. I literally looked everywhere. I looked in the bathroom, back end of the plane, the attendant’s quarters, or even if it’s in the lanes where the passengers are sitting. The thing is that, I never actually found this pilot. It’s only the first day of the job and the pilot already went AWOL. I went back down to the cockpit for a final look. Now, I took a look at the controls of the plane. I see the control panel with all these gadgets and statistics that gives me so much more information about the flight. I never learned this in training so I figured that it’s a good place to look for clues. I was watching the radar flash it’s green blinking lights. However, the next slide held the statistics that correspond with the gadgets on the control panel. I took a look at the autopilot settings. The autopilot settings show that the plane has been like this for 4 hours, nearly the entire trip. I went back up to Melanie. “Well, anything?” she asked. “Nothing other than the plane being on autopilot for most of the trip.” I said. “That should be normal, because the pilot is normal.” she said. Apparently, she has had a lot more training than I did with these newer planes and it turns out, these things are so reliable to the point that the aircraft can literally land itself if nothing goes wrong, and the pilot is supervising it. It turns out, as long as the pilot has knowledge of the autopilot system, then the flight should be fine. Now, I wanted to say something, however, Melanie stopped me with another question that made me freeze a bit. “Did you learn about the 2 person rule here?” She asked. “Yeah, why?” “ Well, if the plane was on autopilot for 4 hours and only the co-pilot in the cockpit, that means that there must have been another person in the cockpit in order to fulfill that. “You mean there was another person in the cockpit that we don’t know about?” I asked. ‘That’s what it seems like.” Melanie replied. “C’mon, we should go and ask the co-pilot what is going on.” I said. “Well I know what he looks like.” Melanie snapped, and she didn’t wait for a moment to head off to look for the co-pilot. “Can you tell me what he looks like?” I asked. “Pixie cut hair that is off to the side and looks kind of British. His name is Jack Wallace.” she said. “Thanks” I replied. With that, she headed off to the lanes. I observed the cockpit a bit more. I was digging through the stuff and boxes that were there to provide clues on where the Pilot was. Maybe he took a day off and substituted himself with the auto-pilot, and the co-pilot would be filling in for him. Yeah, that should be it. I went up to the front of the plane to find a wall with the pictures of the staff. “Staff May 2016” it read. The picture was taken 3 days before today. I went further to see the staff sign in sheet. It includes all the staff for today. I signed the moment I stepped on. However, there was no “Jack Wallace” in the sign in sheet. Instead, there was a “Michael Iglesias” in the lane that says “co-pilot. I even found Mr. Iglesias in the photos. Then who is Jack Wallace? “No, this can’t be.” I thought. “Is there someone on the plane who wasn’t supposed to be there?” I had to find Melanie. No one knows who Jack Wallace actually is. All I know is, this person is here for trouble. I found Melanie with this Jack Wallace and began questioning him rapidly in the Attendant’s Quarters. “Who are you actually? I know you’re not a staff member.” I said “I’m the Co-Pilot.” He said. “Caleb, what is going on?” Melanie asked. “Jack, your name didn’t show up in the sign in sheet nor on the staff list. Who are you?” I asked. He gave me a grim smile, then went into the cockpit. I wanted to follow him, but I can’t move. It’s like that smile gave me paralysis. “Caleb, are you o” “I’m fine” I snapped. “Let’s follow him.” Melanie tried to protest but I urged her on. We were then stopped by another man. He was an elder in his 60s. He asked who we were following. I told him that we were following the man named Jack Wallace. The elder man gave us a hard stare, and went back to his seat. I felt like he knew something that we don’t. I had to scrub that out of my mind so I can focus on finding Jack and Sherry. I swear, I really hoped that this was some kind of sick prank or something and that the real pilot was just hiding somewhere waiting to jump out to surprise us just because it’s our first day on this plane. However, this is reality, not fantasy. This is horror, not a light-hearted story. That’s when I realized, Sherry was gone for 4 hours. She was gone ever since the plane was on autopilot. I had a sickening feeling about whom the pilot could be and what happened to Sherry. What made this situation scary for me is the fact that this is a plane. No matter how big it is, it’s still a small place. The pilot can be anywhere. An idea came to my head. I went to the sign in sheet to find the name of the pilot and call him through the intercom. I found the pilot name: Andrew Curtis It sounded like the name of an army general. I went back down to the attendant’s quarters and grabbed Melanie with me. “Hey what the hell do you think you’re doing?” she asked. “Finding the pilot.” I said. I dragged Melanie by the wrist and she was stumbling in her high heels. I called into the intercom, “Can Andrew Curtis come to the front of the plane, Andrew Curtis.” Melanie and I both went to the front of the plane. However, no one showed up. I was walking around the attendant’s quarters for a good pondering. Finally, I had one last resort. I had to call the other Canadian Airlines to help me with the whereabouts of this Andrew Curtis. I forgot to mention that I also learned about how to talk to people over the speaker with technical terms and how we were able to communicate well. It turns out, they don’t know where he is either. We asked whether he got on a different flight due to last minute arrangements and we have a different pilot, or something else is going on. It was no use. How the hell are we supposed to find the Pilot now? What’s more, how the hell are we gonna find Sherry now? I then remembered, Sherry’s phone was not there. She always had it in her ass pocket like all girls do. I found her number on the sign in sheet and called her. There was nothing but silence when she picked up. However, I can still hear the echo of the phone on a plastic like floor. The ringtone wasn’t muffled so it wasn’t in her ass pocket. However, there is one place in the plane where the floor and walls are plastic. Yes, the bathroom. I kept feeling like this was a goose chase but, people are actually missing. People might be getting hurt and everyone else on board is completely oblivious about it. I had to go to multiple bathrooms with a key and basically break in. Thank god no one was in them. However, I got to the last bathroom to find a man unconscious. “Oh my god Melanie get over here…” I said Melanie took one look and almost passed out. “What the fuck…” she said. “I’ll call the other airports to send an emergency plane over.” She left with that. I almost freaked when I searched the body and found the name tag, Andrew Curtis. Whoever did this to him was still on the plane. I went over to Melanie to see what was going on with her. “Fuck no….” she said out of breath. “The flight radar is shut down, manually. I can’t call anyone outside of here.” “What do you mean?” I asked “Someone did this. The radar of this plane can only be shut down manually. With a sequence and a password. Someone knows the password to shut our signal off to do this. Our Wi-Fi is down as well.” she said. “Well who the hell would do this?” I asked. “Screw it, I’m looking in the cockpit.” Melanie answered, evidently frustrated. I felt the plane jerk as I said that. The autopilot is screwing up because we no longer have any signal and we are no longer sending signals for the autopilot to tell where we are and fly the correct way. We are now flying Southeast to Seville, Spain. Thank god the plane still had fuel because we were still headed straight. At this point, I completely forgot about that Jack dude. He’s still on the loose. There were so many questions going through my head. Why does the pilot have Sherry’s phone? Who is this Jack person? Who is doing all this shit to the plane? I needed to stop dilly-dallying and start searching. I saw the cockpit and I dashed off. I made sure that we didn’t disturb passengers until it is completely needed. I met up with Melanie in the cockpit to find her still looking around for Sherry. “I swear to god, I’ve been searching everywhere and I-” she stopped as I interrupted her. “It’s gonna be fine. Do not panic.” I said. Melanie sort of lost it at that moment. “How the hell are we fine?! We lost the pilot, Sherry, Jack, we lost our signal, someone is fucking hijacking the fucking plane or something, and we are about to land in Seville with passengers who are utterly oblivious!”. She was near screaming and sat on the floor with her back against the wall of the plane. “We lost control of the plane. By the time I get back my family would be worried sick. This plane might actually crash! I swear, this might be how we die.” She began bawling and sniffling at the thought. The best I can do is sit right next to her and console her. I had to use my hands to wipe her salty tears off her face. Her mascara was running and she was quivering a bit. “Melanie, I will tell you this. We are not going to die okay?” I said. “We are going to find those 2 and get this plane to land in Seville and get help got it?” Melanie then just buried her face in my chest and began bawling more. What does it take to calm this woman down? The plane began shaking and it turns out, we had even more turbulence. “Melanie, I think I will have to pilot this thing.” I said. I don’t know what the hell I was doing but it seemed like the best option when no one is around. I saw Melanie pick herself up, stare at me, and say “No, I’ll pilot this thing.” I was about to protest but she stopped me by saying “Now which one of us is more experienced with a Boeing?” I give up. I continued the search for Sherry and I hope we can find Jack as well. As I continued to go through the passengers, I found that a notably large crowd was growing bigger and bigger. More people gathered around this area with a curtain in the back. I rushed towards the area to find Jack Wallace. He was there, lying so still. "No one panic." I said. However, people ignored that and began freaking out. I went to the bathroom to retrieve the pilot. I laid them side to side. I asked if any of the passengers had any medical experience. A few came forward and I had to watch them inspect the bodies. “They’re both still alive.” one man said. I saw the continuous breathing of both of the men on the floor. However, the breathing was shallow. The medical professionals turned them over and inspected their backs. There was blood and a huge gash in their backs. It looked like the size of a wolverine claw. What the hell could have caused that? I have no idea. I heard murmurs, and the gasps of the crowd as they saw the gore and severity of those injuries. I realized, the staff was getting picked off one by one. I just had to check on Melanie. I ran down the passenger lanes telling everyone to remain in their seats and stay calm. I got to the front of the plane to see Melanie on the floor with her arms bleeding. “Holy shit, are you okay?” I asked. “She’s not-” she gasped. She was against the wall of the front of the plane. I rushed and got one of the medical professionals to aid her. Her face, back, and everything except her arms were fine. Her arms had the same gashes as the pilot and the “co-pilot” did. When I saw the medical expert, I recognized him as the old man from before. We told him about Jack Wallace. However, I just had to question him on this matter. “Is she okay?” I asked. I second guessed myself in the panic and I figured I shouldn’t jump to the matter of Jack Wallace instantly. “Ah yes! She will be fine. With a roll of bandages with cotton dipped antiseptic, she will be ready to go. Only her left arm suffered those damages.” he said. I was about to ask him about Jack, but Melanie beat me. “Do you know who this Jack Wallace is? We asked you about him earlier and you looked like you knew the answer.” She asked. “Jack is my nephew, he retired as an FBI Agent and is currently substituting as a co-pilot in training.” he answered. That made so much more sense. However, one question remains, who did this to the people? I looked out one of the windows and it looked like we are still going on course with the signal totally busted on the autopilot. Someone was driving this plane. I rushed down to the cockpit, and attempted to get in. The door was locked. Is someone seriously manually hijacking this plane? That’s when I realized Sherry was missing still. “Open up!” I shouted into the plastic electronically controlled wall. After a few attempts of this thing not budging, I had to break the door down. I backed up to the front of the plane and I rushed with all my might. However, me and my 130 pounds can’t break it down that first time. I tried again, and my body hurt more with each ram, but it was worth it to get closer. I went back to the windows to see where we are. We weren’t past the port near Spain, we were headed at the Mediterranean Sea. I then quickly got to my feet and with all the adrenaline built up, I got to the front of the plane and rammed with all my might. The door crashed down. I busted in. I don’t want to get into the details of what I saw that day. All I have to say is that they were not human. The sight will be enough to be burned into your memory and will give you nightmares. However, this did not terrify me. The frightening thing for me was the question of “Why am I not afraid of this nightmare?” However, it caused me to do one thing: get people away from the cockpit. I got Melanie and the medical professional away from that zone. Even though we didn’t have a signal to receive info from other places, we can still send messages from the plane, and to the passengers. I sent the first signal: Hotel Echo Lima Papa Tango Hotel Echo Yankee Alpha Romeo Echo November Oscar Tango Hotel Uniform Mike Alpha November Sierra Oscar Sierra Papa Lima Echo Alpha Sierra Echo Hotel Echo Lima Papa Hotel Alpha Lima Indigo Foxtrot Alpha X-ray Foxtrot Lima Indigo Golf Hotel Tango 932 I hope they got my message, for the plane was headed at a rapid pace towards the Mediterranean Sea. I saw passengers screaming and putting on oxygen masks. I got one for Melanie and the medical expert and one for myself. All I could think about was what was in the cockpit, they were not humans. I don’t know what they were, but they were anything but human. Now, what I’m saying might sound kind of outlandish to you but in the world of horror, the paranormal takes on their true forms. Their forms of indescribable features. This is reality. Or at least this is supposed to be reality. Ugh, no, this is reality. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that we are plunging from 35 thousand feet in the air into the Mediterranean Sea whilst having something hijacking the plane. We have passengers panicking and other crew members panicking. I can hear people in the back screaming out of their masks as these creatures of hell come and drive us into the abyss of the sea. Once I got out of the quarters, I felt a sharp pain on my head like someone used a plank with nails to whack me with it. I was on the floor and barely conscious and I watched the black figure loomed over me with eyes. With it’s inhumanly white glowing eyes that resemble the gates of heaven. It was on all fours with its body over me. With the last of my strength, I turned myself over with the oxygen mask and facing away from the creature. I closed my eyes and whispered to myself, “God, please hear me right now. What is happening? Why is this a reality? What are you doing? Please, I want to make sure that even if I die, the lives of these people will still be saved. Give me wisdom of what to do, please…” I’m not typically extremely religious to the point where I go to an orthodox church, but I do have to have a last good option. I laid on my stomach and waited for the darkness to pass. I woke up with the plane now on the water with it’s raft mode activated. I kept thinking about Sherry still gone. Then, I saw those creatures again. I turned onto my back and laid on my back. I got up immediately to see everyone in the back of the plane, on the floor, with those marks and gory gashes cut into the backs. Now, I ran to the people that were barely alive and since this is a passenger plane, it included children, and women as well who were on the floor bleeding huge puddles of blood. I nearly screamed at the sight. What was happening? There is no way this can be real. Not with this much people lost in a pile of blood. These creatures should not be here. I wanted to go back down the cockpit to see if Melanie and that old dude were okay. However, I didn’t see them. I saw Sherry. I saw Sherry come towards me at a rapid speed and with those same ethereal glowing eyes from before. She got on all fours just like the creatures did. However, something else occured. She froze for about 10 seconds and began standing back like a human. She took a necklace off of herself. I can barely comprehend what I was seeing. This cannot be reality I repeated to myself over and over again. She smashed her necklace on the floor and stomped on it with her high heel. The moment she did that, I was back on the floor and on my stomach. I still felt the stinging pain of that gash. I flipped myself over to see something odd. The passengers were still crowded around the bodies of the 2 men. When I looked into the cockpit, I saw something even more odd. I saw Melanie, holding a necklace and crying on the floor. "What's wrong." I asked. "Sherry, she's gone" She said. "Okay what do you mean gone?" I asked, I took a deep breath. "Sherry sacrificed herself to save us." Melanie said. Before I can ask her what she meant, she interrupted me. She calmed down from her sobs and talked slowly and clearly. "10 years ago, Sherry was and still is my best friend. We found a thing called "Devil's Vessel" which was used before the 10th century to perform more successful exorcisms. I didn't believe it and neither did Sherry. However, we tried it. I used my pearl ring and she used her Ruby necklace. I sat in a pitch black room with her and she had a candle. She brought her object and waited to burn her object with the candle’s flame. She did so at midnight. However, the next day, she got the item back. We couldn’t believe our luck! It worked, and she had it. However, she must have forgotten about it. I’m guessing she destroyed her necklace to at least prevent herself from being trapped for eternity. The creatures got out and wreaked havoc on this plane.” “I don’t want all of this to sound outlandish, but hell on earth does exist. You should know that by now. The paranormal is out there and it is self-evident that they exist. Please be careful next time.” Melanie said. “We didn’t think it was true until today. We learned our lesson to not deny that there is evil in every place on earth for creatures like these to feed off of. It’s real.” I’ve never heard her speak like that however, that is how I know that she was dead serious. "Okay, I guess I can accept this." I said. "Now, lets get back to work." “Let’s hope this doesn’t happen again, shall we?” Melanie asked playfully. I don't know what to say after that. In one hour we were found by fishermen off of the coast of Barcelona and was brought to shore. Luckily, someone on board communicated and spoke Spanish with him. Once brought to land, we were brought to a near by airport to continue our flight, get medical attention for the 2 men injured, and a no charge flight to compensate for the mess. Now that I’m 33 with a wife expecting kids, I can’t exactly tell the tale perfectly and explain all the things that were going on. However, I could never forget those ethereal eyes the color of heaven’s gate. However, all I know is, Heaven or Hell, no one has seen the true power of either.
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